I cant believe the day has come, that the moment has arrived. All the years in the making, and here we are. There was always more time, always more things that were important, now the time has come and there is nothing more important than this. Everything I have done in my life, everything I have learned, or experienced has brought me to this very moment. It's funny, everyone knows that this day will come, that it is envitable. But no one really ever thinks it will happen to them, they think that things dont happen to people like them. No one can excape death, it comes, even when you run away. The coming is not something you can change. I thought I would be more scared, more sentimental. But, I dont feel any diffrent, I dont feel like I am missing out or that I have not done enough. I dont want to die and im not happy about it, but there is no fight in me to keep it from happening. My fight has ended. No one will come to cry over me, no one will hold a service. In fact, im sure I will be a highlight blurp on the evening news, and while the world eats their meals they will say "Good riddens to that man." I cant say I blame them. But I am not the man they believe me to be despite all I have done to prove otherwise. People will always think what they want about a person, you cant change their minds. They have to change their minds. And to be frank, im tired of trying. If they want to believe that I am a bad man, that is their problem. I have always known exactly the kind of man I was. A gift most do not get.
Not many people know how they will die before it happens. I am going to die by lethal injection this afternoon at 11am. I will never see another noon. Another evening or night of stars. I feel sad for that, That I couldnt look out my bared window last night to see them. I miss the stars. I think that is the worst part about being in prison. You see the sun, the rain and the storms, you see the dark of night..but not a moon, not a star. It's as if im on a new planet where they do not exist. I spent many nights of my life star gazing, it was a favirot past time of mine. Perhaps if there is a heaven, I will get to see them again. I wasnt much of a faith man before I was incarcerated nine years ago. But, this place, it gets to you and sometimes you need to go out looking for something to sink your soul into. I have been in solitary isolation since I arrived, the case I was involved in was covered heavily in the news and they feared I would be killed before my trial was even finished. So in the eight long months of my trial, through the turmoil of it all, I began reading the bibel. I got one when I came in, and since I was low on funds in the commisary it was the only book around. It called to me, it uplifted me when the whole world was against me. I know that everyone in prison tried at least once to act like they were innocent, that they never commited the crime. But I did not do what was said. I commited adultry, I was a drunk and a man who was selfish, for that I am guitly, and for that I must repent. But I never killed anyone. I dont have it in me to fight or kill anyone. It was never the kind of man I was, Im not brave, I am not a bully and I am not angry enough at anything or anyone to end their life, nor do I see any sort of pleasure in taking a life. The trial painted me as the man and they did a damn good job of it. My blood was found at the scene due to a bloody nose I had gotten a few hours earlier from doing so much cocaine. I didnt have an alibi for the time of the murder because I dont know where i was other than I woke up on a park bench at 3am, piss drunk and out of money. I had to walk 6 miles home. When I got home, I was smelly, had blood on my shirt from the bloody nose, I looked like I had been through a war. That is how the police found me. From there I was taken in to custody. That is when everything went from worse to life ending.
I sat in the interrogation room and thought maybe I had stole something when I was drunk, maybe I got into a brawl when I was drunk, not one that I would have started but I dont live in a very classy area. People like to take advantage of those who are incapacitated. They asked me where my wallet was, I thought about it and said the last place I had it was at a friends house and I thought I had left it on her coffee table. Which was exactly where the police found it, right next to a eight ball of cocaine. My Id tested positive for cocaine residue as well. Then they asked me what we had been doing. I said that a friend of mine had called me over for some beers, we hung out for a few hours and then I left. They asked me if we did drugs so I figured she had gotten pinched by the police and was narking on me for doing it with her. I admitted to using cocaine because I didnt want to lie and make things worse. If I had to go to jail for using it then that is my own price to pay. They asked me what we did after we did cocaine. I said we talked for a long time, did some more cocaine and got up to play dance revloution, a new game she had picked up. They asked me if we ever had been sexually involved. I said yes, that we were just friends who hooked up from time to time when we were both single. They asked if we had sex that evening, I said yes. They asked for a sample of my blood and that is when I started to feel like something more serious was going on. I asked them why they would need that, did something happen to her? They informed me that she had been found dead in the stairwell of her apartment complex around four that morning. I was the last person to see her alive when I left her apartment a little before midnight. They asked me to retrace my night and I tried to tell them what I remembered. I was always the type of person that went to the bar alone. I sat at the same stool, didnt really talk much. I just liked the noise and people watching. When the police questioned the bar owners I frequented, although they said I was harmless they described me as some one "freaky or weird". I dont think im weird or a creepy man for preferring my own company. I have always been on my own. I am a drunk, my life invovled around getting drunk and people watching. I wasnt exactly a misrable man, maybe a loney one in some ways but, I was a decent citizen. I never even had a parking ticket before. I only harmed myself. Although I used drugs, I never sold them, I never moved drugs for cash or anything like that. I had a decent job at the post office. I could support my own habit. I used but only in my spare time. i didnt drink or use at work. But the way others saw me played heavily in this case. It was a definate strike against me.
During the trial I had to listen to their theorys of what happened. My attorney would try to prove them wrong, but most of it was circumstantial..and without any other leads or people of interest. They came at me with everything they had. It was very unfair and it destroyed a lot of things I valued about myself. I tried and tried to appeal it, did it as many times as I could but as the years went by, the case got colder and colder. There were no other suspects, no other evidence. Someone had commited the perfect murder and was still out there to kill again, and here I am, about to die for their crimes. For a long time I was angry, I wished I had never met her, never gone to her house that night. But, then I realized, she was my friend, and like me although she made bad choices, she was a decent person. A little needy and desperate for attention, but we all have our hang ups. She died in a horrible way and im sorry for her. Im sorry she had to endure that. My anger is no longer with her. Perhaps she is on the other side, waiting to tell me the one truth no one else could find. Maybe then I will have peace. It still eats at me that the murderer is free. I have made my peace with the fact that im never getting out of this, that I will die. But I can not make peace with what happened to my friend and to me. There has to be some sort of answer, some sort of reason as to why this happened to us. I only hope that one day they learn the truth and even if I am dead, my name is cleared of this horrible crime. I hope that justice prevails it all. That is all that will be left of the situation after I am gone.
My last meal is brought in, an hour before it's time to die. I asked for a steak dinner with mashed potatos and a loaded baked potato and a hot fudge sunday with extra whipped cream. I thought I wouldnt be able to eat any of it knowing I only had an hour left. But I sat calmly and I savored every bite of it. It had been a long time since I had a decent meal. The steak was alright, I could have done better but a man on death row cant be picky. I didnt look at the clock once. I didnt let myself go there and think about it. I figured I would let the panic set in once they were leading me to the last room i would ever enter. I worked on the crossword puzzel that had come in the paper that morning. In the corner I wrote a few words about my life, not that anyone would care nor did I have anyone to send it to. I poured my heart out between the comics and the weekend events. i figured that about sumed up the bad luck of my life. I wondered if my birth mother was out there following the trial, or my birth father for that matter. Did they believe I was a murderer. I had hoped that I would one day be able to find them, but I never got around to it before all this happened. I wrote a few people I thought would know where I had come from, but none of them were able to help me. My foster parents passed away in a car accident when I was in my early twenties, and if they knew the truth, it died with them. I didnt even know I was an orphan until they passed away. I never had any reason to doubt that they were not my parents. Like me my mother had brown hair and brown eyes, we were both on the skinny side. My father was tall like I was. I didnt look exactly like them but we did look like a family, which I think is what they had set out for. Not even their closest friends had known I was adopted. We moved around a lot and the friends they did have towards the end of their lives were only people they met when I was a kid or teenager. They never treated me like I wasnt one of their own. They were loving and kind and gave me a great life while they were here to do so. Loosing them devastated me, and then to learn that I never really belonged to them was life altering. For many years I felt looking into my parents was a betrayal to my foster parents. Like they wouldnt want me to go find another family. But that faded with time. I really wish I had not dragged my feet about finding them. It would have been nice to of had some sort of support through all this, someone to write to and someone to sit behind me in the trial. Maybe if they had seen that I was capapble of being loved, that I wasnt this big monster. I guess we will never know.
The guards come in and chain me. I was waiting for the tears to come, the begging to be spared or the anger of what was happening. But I just stood still, starring at the wall. My heart was racing but I didnt feel the need to do anything other than stand and get it over with. A sense of peace filled me and in my head I gave myself my last rights. I had requested a priest to come and he did come that morning. But even he looked at me with disgusted eyes. It didnt help that my friend was also once a beloved athlete and pillar of her community. None of them knew the kind of person she was behind closed doors. Not until the trial that is. But I didnt want to speak ill of her, I just wanted to be free so I let my attorney say what he needed to say. I felt bad that her good reputation had gotten destroyed but it wouldnt matter much to her now, and she knew I wasnt the one who did it. I hope she can forgive me for that. I hope god could forgive me for a lot of things.
We began to walk slowly due to the chains on my legs, The guards infront of me were quiet and focused on the task. No one made small talk or even looked at each other. I was glad they were uncomfortable with what was happening, they should be. i never understood how it was ethical to punish someone for killing...by killing them. It seems a little hypocritical to me. But I wouldnt want to live years behind these walls either. I am only in my early 40's. Death would be long from now as an caged animal. Another reason why killing the real murderers off is too kind. But they would never understand that unless they lived behind these walls themselves. It is not natural for a human to be caged, with no light, no human contact. Even I, an extreme introvert find solitary to be difficult. Although I didnt have people in my life, I still preferred to be around other people, that is why I went out to drink instead of staying home. Even if no one was talking to me, I could still hear laughter and chatter and felt in some way apart of it. I liked to watch people and try to figure out what their lives were like, what they did for fun, where they worked, if they were married or a parent or not. It was also a faviort past time of mine. I will miss that..watching the world.
When we entered the room, I felt the bubble of tears rise in my thout but I pushed it back. I would not let them make a circus out of me. I would not give them more of a show to play on tv. They placed me on the gernie and I shut my eyes. I didnt want to speak to anyone or look at anyone. In my book, all of them in the room, all of them watching were my murderers. The people responsible for taking my life, and I hated them for it. The anger wanted to bubble up inside of me but I pushed that back to. I heard the man begin speaking and they asked me if I wanted to say a few words. I opened my eyes and looked directly at her family. " I dont know when, and I dont know how but one day you will realize you killed the wrong man. And I hope it haunts you for as long as I have been in here waiting to die, and I hope that you realize that killing someone for supposivly killing someone else is hypocritical and you will be accountable in heaven for every death you participate in or watch on tv. Your the murders, not me. May god have mercy on your souls for what your about to do to an innocent man. But I leave all my anger here with you, im going home now, where I can finally be free, where no one will look at me as if I am some sick man, where my name will be cleared. A peace none of you can offer me. Get on with your death games. I have nothing more to say."
I watch as the mood in the room changes. They wanted me to say something horrible to raise their hate, and because I didnt they were angry at me. I got it then, this was never about me, this was a man hunt and an excuse to let their animalistic nature come out. I was glad I would no longer be apart of a cold and cruel world. My fight was over, and I wouldnt have to face it alone. Not anymore. I shut my eyes as the needles began to be released in my body. I felt sleepy, more sleepy then I had ever been and like a comfortable blanket, I curled up in it. My last breath was taken in absolute peace. Freedom came in the form of a light, and I flew away without a glance behind.
An hour after the death of Vincent Paul Matthews, a confession for the murder of local WNBA star Alyssa Drake nine years prior came across the District Attorneys desk with a bold headed tittle. "You should have listened to him, through you, I have murdered again. Catch me if you can." And at the exact time he read the tittle, thunder and lightening ripped through the sky. The words of what Vincent had said rang in his ears. To hide his shame, he crumbles the letter and throws it away. No one had to know the truth, as far as they knew the murderer was dead, he wasnt taking this on when his job was on the line for previous mistakes. He felt sorry for Vincent, for Alyssa but nothing could be done about their deaths now. He would let it lay, hoping beyond hope that it would all just disapear. He leans back in his chair and shuts his eyes, thinking about the new leggy secratary he had working for him..Vincent, Alyssa and the truth slipped out of his mind. Their justice, not a priority..not anymore.
