Wading in waters too deep...

I guess you could say the last few years a lot of soul searching has been done within myself. Most of it steams from the fact that I am a women who has had difficulty caring a child, I don't think its any big secrete that I have lost. I am very outspoken about it, through out this whole process. All the stages of it I wanted to be honest in what I was facing, what I was feeling, not just for myself but because all the research I did I felt like fluff answers were given and no one said what I was feeling. No one was telling the truth. Not in the areas that happen that make you question your own inner sanity. Like the stage in anger where you cant even stand the people in your life that have kids, and you know they have done nothing wrong and they are nothing but sweet and supportive but you just cant stand to see them with their kids cause its like a figurative kick to your nut sack. That's the truth that was missing. You get so damn mad all the time for such small reasons. You go from zero to sixty on the drop of a dime at least for up to three months after because your so pissed off at yourself, what happened, you feel defective and your basically looking for anything to direct it at, anything to pin it to that isn't you because you cant stand the truth, you cant stand the fact that its all out of your hands and you get no say in any of it no matter what you did or how perfect you did it. Its not up to you, unlike others who have success and there is no answers out there that says this is why you struggle and others don't. Its just the way it is and that is such a big and hard pill to swallow. Especially since women grow up being told that their the life carriers, they get to have this great and amazing experience and its beautiful and happy...and that's not the truth for all of us and no one warns you or prepares you for that. No one tells you, that some bodies cant, that some bodies loose. And even when it happens women wont talk about it with others. Some women never tell a soul because its always the same reason. We failed. Everyone is going to think im less then because I cant. You cant stop that feeling, no matter who you are, where you come from or how tough you are. Its a low unlike any other and its a real bitch to pull yourself up and out of that rut. I just wanted to say you know what...this is the truth of how im feeling and I don't care if its not lady like, If its not polite, if its mean or hurtful. I need to speak, I have to speak and in the end it helped me. Once I was over the hump I was really happy I put the truth out there, because someone out there who has also walked a mile in my shoes might read it and say. Finally...im not abnormal. These are things that come up for other people and its something I will one day outgrow. Its okay to wear your wounds with pride, its okay to stand up and say you know what,...this happened and im going to talk no matter what anyone says, those that want to listen will listen or read it and take from it what I set out to do and if that is just one...so be it...I'm doing this for that one...who needs it. I can take the heat and the meanness and the cold shoulder because people are uncomfortable with handling pain in their life and chose to walk around like their made of stone. I'm not made of stone, I have a heart and it bleeds same as yours...if that bothers you. Hey...welcome to the real world my friend, not everything is sun shine and rainbows and not everything can be covered with a band aid. I think the strongest people in this world are those that are not afraid to be real in whatever moment they are living, and to make a real stand for what they think is best.
Loss will happen to us all, maybe a grandparent, parent, sibling or a child..no life is free of that. All I am simply saying is that when it happens, what you feel, how you think is not the same as even your family members that you know, so it wont be true for everyone else. And instead of judging someone who is bringing a light across...even if you cant understand it yourself you can at least identify the pain in loss and at least keep your mouth shut as you walk away. If your a protestor, and you don't agree with the choices of some women...perhaps you can take one second to realize that maybe...just maybe a baby who doesn't come to term is still a lesion someone needs to learn. If this never happened to me. I would never have grown the strong heart that gets me to speak out and up for those struggling...and ultimately it made me better. You don't have all the answers, I don't have all the answers, so who is to say is right over the other. Remember that before mouths open, especially when you have no experience in it yourself. The same is said for movies and scripts where it happens and unrealistic things happen that stain or stigmatize women who have suffered is also a nasty and irresponsible thing to do. Do not waddle in waters you never waded in until someone told you about it. Until you stumble on it yourself. You cant say you know what it consists of. Nor will you see the beauty in moments we don't control in life.

The one thing.....

Im not at all sure where exactly I fit into this world. Have you ever felt like that? So I am, old enough to know that life has phases to it and that every person is at a certain level in their own journey and every path walked has to be walked alone ultimatly. Ever since I was little there has been this thing inside myself just hanging there like, your supposed to be doing something important...yet for the life of me I have no idea what it is that is supposed to shut that feeling off. I never began something and was like oooh yeah, your right, this is the great thing I was meant for. Not that I havent dug in and worked hard and loved what I was doing...it just wasnt the feeling of one hundred percent forfillment. I still felt like I was missing something, or that something was right around the corner and all I had to do was make sure I was on the right street, but I never seemed to find that street with the corner that would make everything into perfect perspective. How does one make it to their 30's and still not know where they fit? What their purpose is or what direction to go in now? I know I didnt follow the normal plan in how things were supposed to go in life, I had a lot of curves in the bend. But, I still accomplished what I set out to do. When I was young, I was very determined to get out in the world and get my own job, get my own place, make my own money and go some where, where I knew no one and I was alone and just sort of fly by myself for awhile. So unlike the normal person, although I was more than capable and smart enough to finish school, I took off. I explored what was around me, I worked weird jobs when others were at school, I went to places I probably had no buisness being in at my age and did things that now would seem like a total stupid thing to do. But I lived, I worked, and I made my own day and I spread my wings. Then reality set in that things would always be hard if I went too long without a finished education, so I went back and busted my ass and graduated top of my class. I did it because I decided it was time in my own life to finish the one thing I gave up to get ahead. I went and lived in other states alone with no one. I lived with room mates, I lived by myself, I saw city life and I saw deep into the back woods of our country with the Amish. I walked in more ways of life then most get to. It was the best time of my life, I learned so much about myself and what I could handle and what I couldnt. I learned what I wanted and what I wasnt into. I did things my way in my own terms and most people shook their head at me and said I was wasting my time, that I needed to get serious. Eventually I did, But I wasnt ready. I still wanted to get out there and see the world. I clipped my wings because I listened to the voices telling me that these are the steps that one is supposed to do in life, you finish school, you get an education in what field you want, you work hard and earn a good spot on a comfortable level and then you travel. I couldnt understand that. How does one just know what they want when they have only seen one small corner of the world. I had a lot of ideas about what I wanted in life. I had lots of interests and things I invested in but I couldnt tell you just one. Still cant. I didnt finish my degree because there I was in class and it just hit me. This is not at all what I want. This job is so dull, there is no life in it, its not at all what I thought it was and its not at all a job that I would feel was worth spending all this time and money on. Thats the truth. I dont want to be like the people in my life growing up that worked because they had to, they dreaded going to their jobs but they had to put food on the table and no matter how hard they worked, or where they worked it was always just enough to survive. Its like they walked life with no heart in it, not that its their fault or that their failures to me. I think most people end up like that because that is the reality no one ever really tells you. You dont go to school and get everything you want because you did. Sometimes you go to school and what you wanted was not at all what you got but here you are, already invested and you just finish it to get it done. Thats not okay with me. I have heard it all, you quit, you dont finish what you start. But you know what, I know that is not true. Because anything I want, anything that makes me happy and I can really dig into, gets done. I dont have a problem trying things and then saying you know what...its not for me. I tried it, I gave it my all and Its just not my thing man. Thats not a failure. I think the faliure is not trying at all and just wondering your whole life. If I stopped going to school and took the time to figure out what I wanted...would my life be better? At least I dont have to ask myself that. I am sure I will sometimes feel like I am in a rut because I didnt get the degree, but, I will just remind myself of the misery it would have been doing that every day. Right now I have a job that I like and its paying the bills, but its not my calling. I am working hard on a passion I have always had and that is to become a writer, but the stories I write are never good enough to me, I cant finish a lot of them, I have half written piles and a very little pile of finished. Its frustrating and I love writing and im not giving up...but still I feel...its something I need to do for me but its not the calling I was meant for. I wish I knew what that was, but those are answers not just given like a gift. I sincerlly hope i figure it out soon. I hope I find that one thing that makes me feel like this is why Im alive. This is why im here. This is my duty, my calling, and now I can die satisfied that I did what I was put here to do. I dont think I can rest in peace if I never find that. Its very stressful battling your own inner time line. Were always chasing time...and there is never enough. Maybe my purpose is to find a way to control the clock...LIKE THAT EVER WORKED FOR ANYONE, right? Life is so dang frustrating, isent it? Forget love, Life is a battle field. But as messy and brutal as it is...at least in my life, I know I will always live it on my own terms and I will always march to my own beat and pick my own path. I always had a back bone, that im thankful for. Im hoping its that backbone that leads me to the end of the maze where everyone prays they make it to. I just want to say at the end of my life...'You know what...it was pretty damn good man, one hell of a ride." I want a million things to sit and think about when time is all I have. I dont ever want to wonder if I did enough or if I was enough or if I matter enough. Nothing scares me more then dying without doing one thing that someone can say, "Liz, did that." Whatever that was...i hope it was good and that it made a positive change somewhere. Thats all im hoping for.

Miles of Death-8

I have been on my own two weeks, every night I stop and stay in the car. I no longer go looking in houses unless I am looking for supplies. Its too much of a risk with their teams out looking for me. I learned the hard way that there were more people alive then I had known. I don't see them all the time but I have come across groups of people traveling together. I keep my distance and stay out of their sights, but I observe them, watch what their doing, what direction they are going in. I still had a lot of questions and I didn't know if all the people I saw were working for Ben and Sarah. They could just be people traveling together to stay alive. The one thing I have learned is that what you think you know, its not at all what the reality is. All I knew was, people can still be sick and die except for me, if that is even true. I had been thinking a lot about things. I remembered Raya never wanting to touch any of the bodies, never wanted anything to do with the areas they were in either. But, we did go into a city full of them and those people were living in a city full of them. It must be passed by physically touching them or by getting their fluids on you or something. I cant believe I fell for her act, she was good, I'll give her that. No wonder she knew how to hunt and fish, she was a freaking spy. I thought I was a good judge of character, but apparently im not at all. I even fell for Logan and his story about some wife, he probably never had a wife at all and if he did she probably died just like everyone else. And who was this Ben guy, all he did was shovel cow poop and pour drinks for people. What was he doing that was so important that he was trying to save lives. I didn't see one piece of medical equipment or lab equipment. Unless they had a secrete room somewhere I just don't see how those two people could be in the CDC, let alone be giving orders. However, there were no pictures of them in the house, and they did spend a lot of time in the barn. I was trying to make sense of a lot of things that happened or things they said. I thought about all the times Raya and I were out there on the open road, when she could have told me the truth. Maybe she could have started out doing a job but how can you get to know a person and continue to lead them to their death like their nothing. Maybe she hated me because I supposedly cant get the virus and she can. I am the most angry with her and I promised myself that If I ever saw her again I would make sure she paid for what she had done. I never would have gone to that farm had it not been for her. I may have been put in certain areas but I was okay on my own, why couldn't they just leave me alone. I'm not a science project.

 As the sun sets I pull into a drive way to someone's house. I wasn't going inside but, I could park behind the house and no one would see me from the road. I was okay on fuel and supplies for a few more days and I no longer feel like stocking an abundance. Too much risk of exposure going in places or near places. It was getting colder as it was now October and winter would be hitting soon. I wondered what I was going to do for the winter. I wouldn't be able to keep driving around with no plows out to clear any roads. I had yet to find a place that seemed out of the way or secluded enough. I needed to do that and then work on getting some supplies to see me through until I can figure out how to grow some food. I wasn't planning any more but I still needed to be realistic. They would know winter is coming as well and they will assume im going to settle some where. So I have to make sure that where I stay I can not only see what is coming before they arrive, but they wont know to look anywhere close to me because there is nothing around. It was going to be work finding a place like that and I hope I did it before the first snow fall hit. I have headed North towards Canada. That's where im aiming from. I wonder if there will still be a border, or anyone patrolling it. Was this just something that was in the states? I'm not so sure what I will find but I assumed that if it was this bad here its probably this bad everywhere. How could Canada be any more prepared for this then we were or Europe for that matter.

Half way into the night I wake with an uneasy feeling. Trusting it, I turn the car on and decide to get out of there. I drive until dawn, not stopping for anything. I couldn't get rid of that sinking feeling of someone breathing down my neck. Like someone was right behind me and I was just out of arms reach. I didn't know if it was my own paranoia or if it was a true feeling of warning. I didn't really care, I would just drive until I felt a little safer.
After a long night of driving, I pull over on the side of the road under some trees and make something to eat. I refueled with the last of my gas supply. It was getting exhausting trying to find things I needed. With more people out here salvaging, supplies were not so easy to get your hands on. I was managing, it wouldn't last in the winter this way but for now it was and I was thankful for that.

After I finish my meal I get back on the road and according to the map I only had a few more days of driving before I hit the border. If I could find a good gas supply and a good food supply I can just focus on the trip. I decided to make that the days mission. I would drive and If I saw a place where fuel or food might be I'm stopping, fast and sneaky. I didn't want anyone to see me. It was a risk to drive during the day. Although I switched cars a few times since Dallas I still didn't know if they were tracking me or knew what I drove. I didn't know if anything I was doing was working but they were not here and they hadn't caught me yet.
I see a little shopping plaza and take the delivery road to the back. There were a few trucks parked at the loading dock, a few cars in the lot. The trucks were full of fuel and I tapped the tank off and filled several gas cans, it was a good get, I had enough to get me a good distance closer to Canada. I searched the trucks and found some food and water, even some warm clothing and boots a bunch of blankets, mattress topper and pillows, those were like a gift from heaven sleeping in this car. I could make a bed in the back seat, and I certainty had the clothing I needed to get me through a winter in Canada. I hit the mother load of winter supply's. I even got a sled and a pair of ski's that I tied to the roof. I didn't go inside. I limit my stops to twenty minutes max and I had reached my limit. I drive off making sure no one is following me or walking around. I seem to be the only one around. I haven't seen people in awhile, which worried me. Was I in one of their zones again. I hoped not. When I saw people, although it made me nervous, it at least let me know I was still out in the open where they hadn't trapped me. Maybe people started to leave knowing winter would be coming? Was this a smart move to be headed into a place where it was going to take everything to survive in the winter conditions? I wasn't sure about any of it but at least it would be harder to find me.

Another day on the road, another night hidden in the trees. I was sleeping a lot better now that I was comfy and warm. I had stopped a few more places along the way. I had enough fuel in the van I upgraded to from the car. It would take more fuel but I had some room for supply's and for fuel and for living. I removed the front and middle seats in the back and made a bed. I found a mattress in a house and no dead had been in it. I had a tote with all my clothing and outdoor gear, a tote for all my cooking supplies and dishes and living items, a tote for fishing and hunting and medical, personal hygiene and emergency equipment. I had three totes of food, and three totes of drinks. I even found a outdoor travel toilet. It was weird but, at least I didn't have to squat, and with the bags I didn't have to leave the fan and freeze my ass off, which was a definite upgrade for me. I had turned this little van into a portable home. I would keep it until I reached Canada, unless I found a Rv. That is something im aiming for, I could literally live in it and just find a place to stay all winter in that but with more survivors then I thought, stumbling across one of those was not going to be easy. If I got lucky I will be happy, if not its on to another place to live through the winter.

After a long day of driving, I pull over into a camp ground. I have to get out and open the fence. After I drive in I shut it and use a chain and a lock I took from a store. At least no one could drive in after me. I pull up to the little main cabin. I go inside to find a little visitor center and office. To my surprise there is no dead in it but the lights work and its warm. I go out side and look around, the roof is lined with solar panels. This little cabin had power. I was definitely sleeping inside to night.
I take the van and drive up the road, there are several tiny cabin cottages that they must have rented out, there are rows of little lanes, cabins spread out on three levels of the mountain. I checked a few and they to had solar power roofs but everything was shut down and off. The next areas were their tent sights, with a little fishing river and pond, a playground, a little general store that looked to be fully stocked, also solar powered. I found this place had its own water system, its own plumbing system. It was completely self reliant.
I drove on to the last area where they had their Rv sights. There were no RV's but there were solar powered electricity boxes at each sight, so they could have power still. I found a little laundry mat, a few bathroom and shower houses, a arcade and rec center. This place had everything and it was completely empty with no dead inside. It must have been closed during the outbreak. On my last road back to the main cabin I find a restaurant cabin, fully stocked with food, the freezers and coolers still working. It looked like they were prepared for the opening of their season. There was so much to use here. My mind told me that I could pick one of the cabins on the top of the mountain where I could watch for anyone coming, I could stay here hidden all winter. I wanted to, I felt like I had a shot here. But it was right off the high way, and there were signs on the road advertising it. Someone will come here eventually especially if they knew it was self sufficient.
I decide to take some food from the freezer and the pantry and drive up to the cabins,on the top of the mountain. I needed to see if there was a cabin with a good view and was hidden enough. I make my way carefully, the roads tiny and narrow and occasionally I had to get out to clear some branches from the storms that hit. Nothing major as far as damage but just needed some tending from lack of care. At the very top was a cabin slightly larger than the others. It had a deck on it all the way around unlike the others. This must have been their best cabin. I pull the van into the trees to hide it and walk to the cabin. I walk around the deck and notice I have a clear view of the high way, the country side for  miles and miles. I can literally see for miles up here. The air was more chilly and I pulled my coat tighter around me. The front door is unlocked so I go inside and turn on the lights. They come on. Its warm inside and I notice that the this cabin had not turned off. My stomach dropped, there was probably the dead in here, although I didn't smell the familiar stench. I walk the common area, its all open to the views and there is a tiny dinning table and little kitchen, a living room area. A bathroom off the living room. A tiny hallway with a closed door. I turn the light on in the hall and take a calming breath. I open the door slowly and turn on the light. There is a bed and a closet and a sliding door out to a deck, but no dead. I finally smile. Now this was living. It had everything I needed and it was warm, had a good view. But I couldn't get over the risk of it being so public. It wouldn't be smart to stay here, but for the night I was going to enjoy it.

I made a hamburger for dinner with real meat from the freezer. I ate slow bites and savored the taste as if it were my last meal. It just might be the last hamburger I ever eat. I wouldn't come across something like this again. You don't get this lucky out there. After my meal I took a hot shower until the water went cold. It felt so good to be clean and the warm water was heaven on my skin. I changed into some clean clothing and decided to drive down to the little laundry mat and wash what was dirty, who knew when I would be able to do that again. While my laundry was washing, I explored the little shed and found some hunting items they must have stored for campers to rent. Since my paranoia was thick these days, I decide to drive to the main gate and hang camouflage nets all the way across the main gate. The Wooded entrance was thick and from the road it just looked like thick brush, at least it would throw them off a little bit. I use the axe from my van and chop down the two signs at the road. There were now no markers at the source. I toss the signs in the woods. At least I would sleep a little better at night. As long as no one had a working GPS, I should be good. In the morning I could go take down the signs that I had seen, maybe stay a few days and try it out. I knew what I had found, and I knew the likely hood of finding a place like this in Canada. It was worth a trial period.
That night I slept in the bed after locking up tight and making sure all the lights were off, even the main cabin. I didn't want anyone seeing any light from the road. I slept like a baby and slept late into the morning for the first time. My body needed it and I hadn't felt that safe in a long time. If I could make this work, I had a pretty damn good chance, and life wasn't going to be as hard as I thought. Everything I needed was right here. All I had to do was secure it. But one thing at a time. I cant waste time on a place that isn't safe either.

Miles of Death-7

Logan and I have made a temporary home in a high rise apartment building in Dallas. We made our way back the way Raya and I had come because it was the only way to get out of the storm. It had ended here already, flooding most of the city and causing all kinds of damage. I had been here two days and I was already going out of my mind. During the day we keep to buildings, mostly looking for anything useful but with the flooding there isn't much I can use. The stench some how has heightened with the water pooled and full of bodies. Its receding slowly, but its doing nothing for the smell or the heat. We hadn't seen anyone driving or walking around and although I tried to duck out on Logan while he was asleep a few times, I just keep coming back. What if he isn't lying and I leave him here with no vehicle in this hell of a city. I couldn't live with myself. I didn't trust him at all, there were still things that didn't add up for me. How can he stay at a farm with the people who murdered his wife like their family. How did he go from being drugged to being one of them? How had Raya become so dark and deadly all the sudden when not but two days before she could barley summon the strength to live any longer? I was beginning to feel crazy. Why was I listening to these people, why did I care? I just knew one thing for certain, I was going to find out the truth and then I am going to split. I need to know who im really dealing with.

Logan takes off sometimes on his own, like this morning when he slipped out when he thought I was still asleep. I follow him as much as I can without being detected. He is not looking for supply's, he is going into buildings that make no sense for supply's. I guess maybe he thinks there is food or something in there but I doubt it. What is he looking for? I was giving it one more day before I was getting out, even if I had to leave the car, im going. This is all starting to feel like one big game of cat and mouse, and I don't think im the Cat.
I wait for him to come out of the building he is in, noting he is in there a good half hour, longer than any other building he went in. He didn't come out carrying anything that  indicated he found some supplies, unless they were in his pack. I wait for him to round the corner before crossing the street and entering the building he had just exited. It was dark and trashed like most of the main floors of buildings. I take my flash light out and start looking around. It was some kind of office building. I search the first floor as carefully as I can so I don't miss anything, but there is nothing. I find the stair case and go up to the second floor and stop dead in my tracks. The lights are on. How are the lights on? I hear talking somewhere up the hall and I duck in a cubical. Did they find us, were they here? I had to get closer and see. Slowly I ease out a bit to peak. No one is in the hall but I hear laughter coming from the last room on the left. Deciding to take the risk, I come out in the open hall and quietly make my way to the door. I hear a female and a male voice but
 I don't recognize them. I'm pretty good with voices. Risking it all I peak around the door as carefully as I can. I see a women with a head set on sitting at a computer. She has a working computer? The man had his back to me and was sitting in a chair watching monitors.
"Todd, have you seen her on any of the cam's?
Todd yawns. "She must in a busy somewhere looking for stuff. She left right after Logan. Maybe she is trying to run again?"
I back up slowly when the man gets up to pour himself some coffee. What the hell was going on here. Who were they and how did they know who we are?
The women stretches. "Logan said she is suspicious and doesn't trust him, she is out avoiding him that's all. But we better track her down just in case. We cant loose her again."
Deciding enough was enough and I was going to get some damn answers if it killed me. I take the gun I had taken with me from the farm. I didn't have any bullets but they didn't know that. I stand in the door way, still both unaware that I am there.
"Looking for me?"
They both turn around. I point the gun at the man. "If one of you move an inch I will shoot you first, then you. I'm going to ask you some questions, if I think your lying, I will shoot you. Do you understand me?"
They both raise their hands in the air and shake their head yes. I step a little closer to the man.
"Who are you?"
He swallows nervously. "I'm..I'm a camera man. My name is Todd, I'm just here to film lady.."
I step closer and be backs up falling into his chair. "Cameraman for what? What are you filming here?"
He looks at the women and I hit him with the gun and he sinks to the floor. "Don't look over at her, you talk. Right now!"
He eases himself up and touches his head. "Were filming you, watching what your doing."
I look at the cameras on his monitor. There seems to be every inch of where they had been staying covered. What the fuck was going on.
Changing tactics I turn to the women, I point the gun right at her forehead.
"You have thirty seconds to explain it or your going to die."
She shuts her eyes. "listen, we just work here, all we know is the CDC is very interested in you and has assigned one of their best officers to keep you safe. Your the cure Aria."
I punch her again. "The cure for what?"
The women cries and starts to beg. "Please, I'm just trying to survive to."
I kick the man when he tries to help her up. "Get over in your chair and sit down, you move and your dead. Who do you work for?"
The man sits in the chair nervously. "Ben Walsh and Sarah Reeves, their the last of the doctors and their running the show now, on all of us. If you want to survive, you need them. Were not immune Aria, we can still get it, except for you. You are the only one who is immune."
I sit in the chair across from them. "How many people are working for them?"
The man rubs his face. "They have people every where. Its not as isolate as you believe it is out there, you were protected and kept in isolated places. They have their ways of getting you where they want you. Raya was the first time we tested out how you would respond to outsiders. Then Ben and Sarah wanted to bring you to the farm where they could study you and keep you safe."
I laugh and set my gun down. "You mean kill me and study my body? I'm not going to let any of you study me. I hope you all get it and die. Here is what is going to happen. Your going to give me your car keys and all the food and water you have up here and your coming with me. Lets go, get up."
I point the gun as they empty everything onto a cart. They take me down in a staff elevator to the garage. I make them load the car and then get in. I make Todd drive out of the building. The gun to his head the whole time.
"Where do you get your fuel?"
The women tears up. "Please, wont you just let us go. We cant go out there and be exposed."
"Shut up, I could care less if you rot, where do you get your fuel?"
Todd sighs. "I will take you."
"You better keep it quite and not raise any alarms or you know what will happen before they even get to this car. Move it, now!"
He drives two blocks to a fuel station. I make them fill up all the gas cans I could find and the car.
"Are there any trackers on this car or cameras Todd, and Id be careful with your answer."
He shakes his head. "No were not back to that status yet, were lucky to have computers at this point."
I smile. "Good. Get in the car, both of you."
Carefully I drive out of the city, stopping a mile out. "Get the fuck out."
They both jump out of the car and I speed away. I didn't have a map, I didn't know where I was going to do, but I was not sticking around to become everyone's salvation. I no longer wanted any people around.

As I drove I tried to process what they had said. I was the cure? How was I the cure and how do they know that? I know when I took my family to the hospital they had tested me to see if I was positive for the virus and I was put in a holding room which I left because everyone was dead. Maybe they discovered it then, but why would they just leave me in there? Why would they be doing all this stuff to keep me safe from everyone else when they could have just killed me and took my body? Nothing made any sense. I had no idea what was going on, I just had a few puzzle pieces to a giant puzzle, it was enough for me to never speak to another human again. I needed to find some actual bullets. I wouldn't be able to fool them all like that. What was I going to do? Where was I going to go? Where could I hide from these people?

At dark, I pull the car into the woods a little bit, enough to hide the car. I would be spending the night in the car but I didn't mind. No one else was here, I had made it out and I was never going back. Not ever.
After eating some food and sneaking out to go to the bathroom. I decide to go right to sleep. It had been a long time since I slept soundly. I might not be safe but being alone felt safe. I went right to sleep and slept soundly till morning. After a quick breakfast and change I hit the road. I no longer cared for a map or a plan.  The best thing to do was just to stick to the out skirts and find a place I can function without notice for awhile. It was going to be a quite life from this point on but, I can live with that. I would never trust anyone ever again. All I had to do was out live them, if they can get sick then they will eventually. I hoped anyway. It would make things a lot easier if there was no one out searching for me. For the first time since all this began, I had drew a line in who I was and who I once was. From now on, I'm shoot first and ask later. Everyone was a threat, everyone is the enemy.

Miles of Death-6

In the morning, I wake slowly and for the first time since I can remember I could smell bacon. Real Bacon and it had my stomach growling instantly. I dress slowly, looking out the window. I could barley see across the yard the rain was coming down so hard. It was not going to be fun getting back to the car in this. How long could one storm blow for anyway? All I knew was I was sick of the wet and cold like I was sick of seeing the dead.

I make my way to the kitchen, I can hear people laughing and talking like they didn't have a care in the world. I thought of my grandparents, alone some where with no heat, no food and an endless storm raging above their heads. I needed to get on with it, I needed to get back on the road. I couldn't just sit around and wait for it to pass.
I walk in the kitchen and Sarah sees me first. "Good morning Aria, did you sleep well?"
I smile kindly for the first time. "I slept like a baby, thank you."
She smiles back at me. "Good, how about some Bacon and eggs?"
My mouth literally watered. "That sounds like heaven to me."
Sarah laughs, "Its been awhile since you had bacon huh?"
I nod. "Not much of that left that's still good and I don't know how to butcher and animal."
Ben sets a cup of coffee down and pulls out a stool. Why was he always making people drinks?
"Have a seat, make yourself comfortable."
I sit awkwardly. "Thank you for all of this, I don't know how I can repay you for all of this."
Ben smiles. "You could stay, help us manage the farm. Despite how it looks, its a lot of work, even with four people."
I take a sip of my coffee. "I have to get to Virginia as quickly as I can, Its important. Maybe after I can come back?"
Grace brings over a plate for me and sits down next to me. "You haven't heard have you hunny?"
I look at her curiously. "Heard what?"
Logan watches Aria as he drinks his coffee. "There is no more Virginia. They dropped bombs down the entire eastern coast before the outbreak took them all, they thought if they hit the effected areas it worn burn and kill the virus. It didn't. But Virginia is a waste land now, just like California."
I look around the room. All of them not looking at me and picking at their food. "How do you know this?"
Grace takes my hand. "Come with me, I will show you."
I leave my plate and follow Grace into the den. "They taped the last few news broadcasts before it all went dark. This is the last one, see for yourself."
She hands me the remote. "I'll be in the kitchen, I'll keep your plate warm for you. Take all the time you need."
I don't wait for her to leave. I sit on the couch and press play. The women comes on the air talking about how many had already died and which areas were effected. Just as she is talking about it, reporters start chattering around the room so much that the news anchor stops and asks what is going on. They list the states that have been bombed and are no longer showing any life, by this time four hours had passed since the first bombs were dropped. And then the TV goes black. That's was the last bit of information given by anyone on the situation. I shut the tv off and just sit there starring. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. All this time I had thought that if I could just get there, if I could just see for myself that some how I would know what to do. Now there was nothing. There were no Grandparents to check in on because there was no way they could have survived the bombs. All I wanted to do was scream out in the deepest pit of rage but I just sat silent. I didn't even notice that Logan had come in and sat next to me.
"I'm sorry kid, did you have family there you were hoping to find?"
I look at him not even sure of what he said. I couldn't even form any words. I hear Raya's voice and turn.
"Her Grandparents, she thought they might have made it like she had. Its all she had left, the only plan she had."
Logan watches me, I can feel his eyes on me. "You'll have to get a new plan now. Plans change and shift all the time, even before all of this. You cant put all your eggs in one basket."
I didn't have the words to explain to anyone what I was feeling so I decided to just get up and walk back to the kitchen. Grace sets the plate in front of me.
"Just eat, one bite at a time. You need your strength. No matter what, your going to be okay here. Were here for you."
I muster up a small smile. "Thank you. But I don't know if im staying. Virginia might be gone, but that doesn't mean I want to stay here."
Grace nods slowly. "Because you don't want to let anyone close again? So it doesn't hurt if something happens to them?"
I shake my head. "No, people are not the problem."
Grace takes my hand. 'what is Honey?"
I sigh frustrated. "Time, nothing to do. I don't like having time to think and mull things over. I don't want to get comfortable just to have to leave again."
Sarah sits next to me. "Why don't you just stay till the storm has passed at least and make up your mind then. I have plenty of things to do around here if you want to stay busy. I'd appreciate the help."
I smile at both of them. "Alright. Thank you again, for taking us in. You didn't have to. You could have killed us and no one would even know about it or come looking. Instead you gave us a meal and a roof and I appreciate it. I know Raya is happy to have found a group."
Ben pushes her plate closer. "Were happy to have more survivors, come now, eat up before it gets cold. You can come help me in the barn after if you would like?"
I take a bite and he smiles. "Good. Your gonna make it kid, I cant say for certain but, I just have a feeling."
My smile fades. "Why didn't we get sick to?"
Sarah and ben look at each other. Logan comes in with Raya. "Were immune. Something in the DNA."
I turn to look at him. "Is that a guess or do you know something we don't?"
Sarah laughs. "Two peas in a pod the two of you."
Aria looks at him curiously and he just smirks at her. "I know a thing or two. The last report that came through my unit was a doctor who had discovered a birth defect in a percentage of the population that the virus didn't effect. They said one percent would live."
I Look at him. "One percent is a lot of people alive still."
He nods. "It is but then you have to take in to account all the bombs they dropped, sicknesses that one gets out there and the number drops even more."
I eat another bite. "Did they have a location where they planned to rebuild again?"
Logan looked surprised at my question which I found a little odd. It was a reasonable question.
"Even if they did, do you think anyone would have made it there?"
I look at him and around the room, they all were watching me. "Yes. Someone would have gone if they were on their own, hoping someone else would make it. When your on your own out there for a long time, your willing to try anything."
Ben and Logan exchange a look. Ben smiles at Aria. "He said the same thing when he came here. He wanted us to try and go see if there was anyone."
Raya sits down with a plate next to me and smiles. "Aria would have gone. She is strong like that and determined and she knows how to take care of herself. If I didn't find her, I would still be stuck in all deadsville Texas alone."
I smile at Raya, "You would have been fine, your not so bad out there yourself."
She smiles. 'So Aria, you interested in taking a drive to this location?"
I turn and look at Logan. "Where is it?"
Logan downs his coffee. "Forget it, its gone now. Come on Ben, lets get started in the barn."
Ben gets up and they both put their coats on. Annoyed I stand up. "So that's it then, your not going to tell us where?"
Logan sighs. "Your just a kid, don't worry about it, its not worth the risk."
I raise my chin. "Despite my youthful looks, im not a kid and I haven't gotten too comfortable. I'm not scared to go out there. And what happened to there is not a lot of us left and we should stick together?"
Logan smiles. "So that's it then, your going go out there and save the world?"
Sarah sighs. "Logan, enough..I think she has had enough for one day."
Logan smiles. "No, she needs to learn this Sarah, you all do. Everything you knew, its gone. Everyone you know is dead and their not coming back. You cant help those people any more than we can help ourselves. Be thankful with what you have and make it work. That is what we do now. We have power, water and enough food to stay alive for years to come. And it would be stupid to leave it behind."
Ben and Logan walk out and head towards the barn. I sit down and rub my eyes. He had a point but it wasn't enough to give up. She had to get the location somehow. Raya shakes her head at me as if she knew what I was thinking. I just smile and continue eating my breakfast. I would get it out of him one way or another.

Over the next few days despite my best efforts Logan has remained tight lipped and refuses to talk about the location any further. I even had Raya try to seduce it out of him which she was happily willing to do. But he saw it coming and shot her down. I was beginning to think he was full of shit. That he made the whole thing up. But, the curiosity got the better of me. Here I was in the middle of the night searching his bag in the barn like a FBI agent. I had managed to get it out of the house after dinner without him noticing and I was just winging it from here. I find his wallet and open it. His military Id and drivers license were in it.
"Logan Thomas Garland, age twenty seven. Ha, I knew you weren't thirty yet."
"Did you?"
I jump and toss the bag in the stall next to me and turn around. I already know its him. But I pretend to be surprised.
"Oh hey Logan, Didn't hear you come in."
He watches me closely. "Did you get a good look at everything?"
I roll my eyes and put my hands on my hips. "Its not like I didn't try to do it a better way, you wont spill so I had to look."
He shakes his head. "Why do you care about some idea of a camp?"
I step a little closer to him. "Why do you care if I go find it or not? What are you hiding? Did you make it up?"
He laughs. "You need to find yourself a hobby Aria."
I grab his arm when he tries to walk past me. "Your a liar. You never heard of any damn camp did you? You just were trying to leave here and they wouldn't let you. I want to know what the fuck is going on around here that none of you are telling us. Why do Sarah and Ben say they grew up here and not a single picture in this whole house has them in it? Who are they really, and how the fuck do you have power with no generator, no wind mill or a solar panel? You better start talking."
He shoves me hard into the wall and grips the front of her shirt. "You want to live, you better stop asking questions, you better stop sneaking around and putting a target on your back. If you run, they will find you and haul your ass right back here. They already got your car, all your things. Right under your damn nose. Your not getting out of here without me so shut your mouth, do what your told and maybe when its time I will let you come with me."
I knee him in the balls and run as fast as I can out of the barn and towards the house. Before going in I take a few breaths to get my breathing under control. My hands shake on the door knob but I turn it anyway. Everything is quite in the house, most have gone to bed. I make my way up the stair case tip toeing towards Raya's room. I just need to get her to come with me and we could get the hell out of here now. I didn't know what the hell was going on but I knew how I felt when I came here. Something was off and I was done playing their games. I would leave with or without her, but I hoped she would listen and come with me.
I open the door slowly. I hear a male voice and almost shut the door again but I had to see what was going on.
"What does she know about this place Raya?"
Raya sits on the bed sipping her wine. "Nothing. She hasn't figured it out yet. She is still trying to find out where the camp is."
I watch as Ben tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. "Do you think she will except it like the others?"
Raya sighs. "No, I think were going to have to kill her Ben. She is too smart, too good out there. If she got away she would cause trouble for us."
I slowly shut the door and run back quietly to my room. I had never been more mad in my entire life. Who the fuck are these people, who the hell is Raya? Had she known the whole time? She was in Texas, what would she have been doing all that way away from their precious farm. All I knew was I wasn't spending another second in this place. I dress quickly and pack what I need from my room. Quietly I ease my way down the stairs to the kitchen. I listen for anyone around but everyone is up on the second level. I put some food and water in my pack and slip out the back door. As soon as my feet are off the porch I run, I run like there is a gun pointed at the back of my head and I don't stop running until I can no longer see the farm anymore. I needed a car, I needed to get the hell away from this place or they would find me and I wasn't waiting till morning.

A hour into my hike I stumble on another farm house. This one is dark and cold looking. I go inside and light a candle I took from my room. I damn near swallow my tong. Everywhere around me was stacks of supplies, tools, fuel and weapons. I had hit the mother load, which means I needed to get out of there quickly, this would be the first place they would check once they saw I was missing. I fill up a duffel of ammo and food and water and weapons, just grabbing what ever is there, not wanting to waste any time. I grab two gas cans and run out the back. I see a truck near the tree line and I run to it.
"Please god, if you exist, let the keys be in it."
I open the door and throw my stuff inside.
"Aria!"
I freeze for a split second and then I hop in the car as quick as I can but he has the door.
"You wont get far without these." He holds up the car keys.
I glare at him. "Your not coming with me, your one of them. you will just knock me out and take me back to that shit hole. Raya said they have to kill me, their going to kill me."
Logan shoves me so hard I land in the passenger seat. He gets in and shuts the door.
"I'm not going to kill you and were not going back there. Were getting the fuck out of here. I came here just like you, I didn't know before it was too late. I was going to go the night you came, using the storm as cover but I couldn't leave you there like that."
I roll my eyes. "Whatever you say, just start driving and I swear if you head back there I will shoot you myself."
He turns on the car. "That's fair enough. Hold on."
He speeds out of the yard and onto the road. He drives as fast as he can with the rain.
"How long until they notice we have gone?"
Logan looks at her. "Soon, maybe a hour or so. If they were talking about killing you then they would plan to do it before you woke up. Their cowards like that."
I watch him curiously. "Who are they?"
He sighs. "They were with the CDC. Sarah is a one of the technicians that created the virus. That's why their so well prepared. They knew it was coming before it even came. Ben was her boss and the two of them took over the farm by force, they killed the family and pretended to be the original owners."
"Is Grace in on it to? Did she even have kids or break her leg?"
Logan smiles. "yes, Grace is innocent but they wont hurt her. She has been officially brain washed. I tried to tell her the truth once but she wouldn't listen to me. She wouldn't leave there willingly."
"What about Raya? Who is she?"
Logan shrugs. 'I don't know, I don't think that they knew her before you came but like Grace she had no intention of ever leaving but she knows more than Grace does. I think she likes it."
I shake my head. "This whole time, I thought she was my friend."
Logan looks at me. "There are no more friends. Not even Me. Were just to people trying to survive."
I look out the window as the storm rages on. "They wont go that far looking for us, they don't want to loose their farm."
Logan grips the wheel. "I thought that to. I didn't come to the farm alone Aria. I was able to get her out, but, they hunted her. They dragged her back and they killed her. They will keep looking."
I rest my head against the window. "You said she, who was she?"
He continues driving. "My wife, Norah. I tried to stop it but I couldn't get to her, they drugged us both and I couldn't move my body."
I look at him, I want to believe him. The pain in his eyes says he is telling the truth. But I no longer knew what to believe.
"I'm sorry Logan."
He smiles weakly. "We all lost people in this. None of us are whole."
I lean back in the seat, finally letting my body relax. "Where do we go from here? Where can we hide?"
He sighs. "Your not going to like it."
I laugh, "no offense, but what is there to like anymore?"
He laughs, "True. We have to go in a city. They don't go far into city's mostly because of the stench and they wouldn't think we would stay there in it either."
I shake my head. "We wont survive in a city. There is too much dead, too much fires and issues. Its like living in a bomb."
Logan turns off the road onto a wooded lane.
"We don't have to stay long, we just have to set an ambush and take them out. Then we can go back to the farm if we want."
I would have been surprised if I hadn't just learned and saw what I did.
"I hope you know how to do that. How long?"
"A week or two, maybe more?"
I rub my face. "I cant take cities for a few hours let alone weeks."
Logan slows when the rain starts coming down harder. "We will find a way. If we don't, their just going to keep collecting people. Look how easy it was for you."
I shake my head in pure frustration and anger. " Fine, what city?"
"The first one we see. You have a map don't you?"
I swear under my breath. "Had a map, Raya took it."
Logan shakes his head. "We'll figure it out. You should try to get some rest, we can switch when you wake up. You look exhausted."
Something in his tone had the fatigue wearing off. "I'm okay, I can drive if you want to take the first shift?"
He smiles. "I'm okay."
The all to familiar feeling of dread came over me again. Suddenly I just wanted to open the door and jump out but I needed this car and I needed to put some distance in. I would have to stick it our until I could escape. I never should have stopped for anyone, I should have stayed out on my own. I never would have stopped at that farm house if Raya wasn't with me. How had I read everyone so wrong? Why didn't I just listen to my gut and get out of there the first night. I almost bought into their act and I probably would have had Logan never told me about the camp. I suppose I owed him a tiny bit for warning me. Was this another trap? I hoped not, but I knew that from here on out, I was no longer interested in being in a community again. I longed to be back by myself, unaware of the farm and the others. Everything was so complicated all the time, I was desperate to get out of there and get back to doing my own thing. Solitude wasn't a bad thing in this kind of world. It was your salvation.

Miles of Death-5

It had been a few days since our attempt to explore Dallas. Since then we have stuck to the back routes and avoided all major road ways and towns. The weather was taking a nasty turn. For the last two days it has poured, endless rain dropping and flooding away whatever is in its path. For the first time since all this began I didn't see bodies every where. There were still some floating along but it felt as if the world was trying to wash itself clean again. We were out of fuel and there wasn't a drop in any of the cars around. The rain was whipping all around and the wind was picking up. We needed to find a place to lay low until it passed. But we would have to do it on foot. As Raya packed a bag with some supplies for a few days, I decide to review the map. I would need a new one very soon, I didn't have much left on the current one before we would be winging it.
Life was back to feeling hectic and out of control. Nothing had gone right for us since Dallas. Even the vibe between the two of us has changed. We barley speak more then what is needed to say. Raya has fallen into a sort of sulk. She doesn't jump up to help as much, not that she isn't doing anything. She is just low and down and I didn't know what to do about it. I suppose its expected, hadn't I holed up for a few days myself feeling sorry and sad before I got back up? It would pass, or at least I hoped it would pass. I could use some of those positive thoughts she used to have.
"There is a town three miles north east, looks to be the only one for awhile. Maybe we will find a house along the way or something. We need to make a fire. All this damp is going to get us sick if were not careful. We have to try and stay dry, at least our heads."
Raya nods looking out the window. That was about the usual input from her lately. I sigh and climb into the back seat opening my bag. I had a few trash bags and I made us some homemade rain ponchos. I dressed in layers and packed a bag with as much as I could carry, and then wrapped that in a bag to stay dry. I tossed some clothing up for Raya.
"Put these on, you don't want to get sick, let me see your bag, I will wrap it so it stays dry."
Raya does as I ask without complaint or words at all. While she is getting ready I decide to hide what I could incase anyone stumbled on the car. I planned on returning to it once we found some fuel.
Once we were ready to go, I checked the map one more time and put it where it would stay dry. I get out first and lock the doors. Raya gets out and I make sure her door is locked, anyone could break the window, but I wasn't about to make it easy for anyone to take our food.

We walked on through the rain and the wind. I was freezing after the first ten minutes but we kept a brisk pace and it helped to focus  on not slipping or getting stuck then the cold. It was a muddy mess but nothing was so bad that they couldn't get around it. After two miles we stumble upon a farm house and to our surprise smoke is coming out of the chimney. Raya and I look at each other with the same look of, surprise, Raya starts running to the house.
"Raya...wait!"
I catch up to her but she wouldn't stop heading toward the house like her life depended on it, like I was some kind of bad person she was running away from. I decide to stop behind a tree. Peaking out I watch Raya go up to the porch and she slowly walks to the door. I see her knock but no one comes to the door. Raya starts looking in the windows and I see her wave me over. I take a calming breath and run to the porch. Raya smiles at me.
"There is fresh bread on that counter in there. Someone is here for sure. But I don't see anyone. Maybe their out in one of the barns?"
Aria looks around nervously. "What if their not up for visitors Raya?"
Raya smirks. "You worry too much, im sure they will be happy to see other people have made it. Weren't you happy to have found someone?"
I sigh and try not to roll my eyes. "There was bad people before this world got sick, there will still be bad people if there are good people. What if they take all our stuff and then shoot us?"
Raya laughs. "You watched too much walking dead didn't you?"
Despite my nerves I laugh. "It was one of my favorites."
Raya smiles at me. "Okay, your right, we shouldn't assume their not weirdo's so maybe we should like sneak around and see for ourselves what is going on here?"
I nod. "Yeah, that's a good idea. lets start with the barns, people put their freaky tools in barns."
Raya rolls her eyes. "Oh lord."

I make my way across the field like I'm some highly trained recon marine or something, watching for movement, listening for sounds and ducking behind things so I wouldn't be seen. Raya stayed at the tree line as my look out in case anyone followed me in. I make it to the big barn pretty quickly, but instead of going in the front, I slip around to the back. There are cows and cattle, chickens, pigs and lamb. There is fresh food and water in their bins and a fire to warm the barn. I see that they have running electricity with the lights on and it looks like their still using the milking machines. So, They had live stock and power. They were doing pretty good, better then them. I didn't see anything out of the normal and there was no indication that there was any sort of creepy activities taking place, so I moved on to the smaller barn. It was what looked like a canning area, lots of tools and work spaces. Again nothing out of the normal. I look around the back of the main house. There are a few green houses with lots of plants growing in it, no people though. After a few minutes of peaking in the house windows I make my way back to Raya.
She comes out nervously. "Did you see anyone?"
I shake my head "There is someone here, there has to be. But I didn't see them. Do you think they might have went somewhere?"
Raya wipes her face. "In this weather, im not sure. Maybe their asleep somewhere?"
I shrug. "I guess we wont know unless we check the house?"
Raya looks around, "Do you think we should just go in there?"
I pull out my gun and Raya laughs. "Of course you brought that."
I make sure its loaded and put it back in my pocket. "You never know what's out there, better to be safe then sorry. Come on."

We walk to the house together and slow, looking in every direction. The front door is unlocked so Raya opens it slowly. We step out of the rain and into the house. Raya walks in a little bit ahead of me.
"Hello? Is there anyone here?"
I follow Raya with my gun drawn. Both of us stop to take off our shoes. If someone was here, they wouldn't be happy if they got mud all over their rugs. We walk the main floor, one room at a time. The house was very chopped up, lots of doors and halls. There was a library even. Everything was very neat, recently dusted and warm. I could hear the vents kicking on with the heat. I wondered how they powered their house, I didn't see any solar panels or wind mills. Maybe they had a generator, which meant they would have some fuel. But I didn't hear a generator anywhere. There were photos of a happy middle aged family with their kids. They seemed to be like the usual American family. I hoped that they were all still here.
When the first level is searched, we go down into the basement and find a large surplus of food and supplies. I assumed things that they had taken from other locations or a store. Raya looks around to with a big smile on her face.
"How many do you think they have here for all this food?"
I look around at the items in the basement, looking for anything useful to them like fuel or weapons.
"Maybe they are just stock piling what they find. Maybe that's where they all are, their out scavenging somewhere."
Raya shakes her head. "I wouldn't in this weather unless I had to."
I nod. "Maybe they had to?"
We both jump when we hear a door open and close and footsteps across the floor.  We quickly duck behind some boxes. I take my gun and aim it towards the staircase. Raya covers her mouth when the basement door opens. She hears someone coming down the stairs and freezes. "Shit."
Aria watches as a shadow shape comes down the stairs and when it gets to the bottom becomes a man, covered and soaked but caring a box of supplies. He doesn't seem to be aware they were in there, he wasn't being quite or cautious. I watch as he sets the box on a table and starts taking stuff out of it. When a second set of footsteps come through the door I see the man look up.
"I'm down here Sarah." I hear the footsteps stop and then head toward the stair case to the basement. Again I watch the shadow before the women is at the bottom of the stairs, also carrying a box.
"Its really coming down out there. When is it going to let up, the animals are getting restless."
The man hands her a towel and she wipes her face. "Thanks, so did you find anything good?"
He shrugs, " I got some more medicine and some food and water, the basic's, what about you?"
The women puts her box on the table. "About the same. Are the others back yet?"
The man takes off his rain coat and hangs it on a hook by the staircase. "I don't think so. They should be along soon its going to get dark early tonight. I'll go tend the animals, why don't you go see if you can get anyone on the radio."
Raya and I look at each other curiously but neither of us make a move to get up and show ourselves. When the two of them go upstairs and shut the door we finally come out. Raya looks at me with excitement. "They said there were more!"
I smile. "I heard, but what should we do now? Our shoes are up there, their bound to find them and come looking for who they belong to."
Raya listens to them walking around. "Maybe we should just go up and explain ourselves, they didn't seem dangerous to me."
I wipe the last remaining drops of rain off my face. "They both were carrying guns on their sides Raya, even if it was for protection, were in their home without their permission. Maybe we can get out and then just knock like we were never here?"
Raya looks around. "What about that little window, you could boost me up and I can go around to the front to explain?"
I hear the footsteps coming again and grab Raya and pull her back down behind the boxes. I can hear them talking but I cant make out what their saying, its too low. The basement doors open slowly and one at time they come down the stairs, this time with their guns drawn. They must have found our shoes. I watch as they hand signal to each other, one walks to one side of the room, the other goes to the other side and they start looking around. Raya looks at me like we should stand up and just tell them but I shake my head. This was not going to go well if they found us down here with all their supplies. Annoyed Raya tries to stand up but I take her arm and shake my head, she doesn't listen and stands up.
"Hello...don't worry..were not going to hurt you. Our car ran out of gas a few miles up the road, we saw the chimneys and came to see if there were other survivors, but no one was here so we just looked around, then you came home and here we are."
The man and women jump and turn to aim their guns at Raya. Oh goodie, a stand off in some stinky basement. Just where we all want to die, I thought to myself.
I roll my eyes and stand up slowly, putting my gun in my pocket before they can see it. "Hello."
The man and women look at each other, and then at us. They start speaking to each other in what I assumed was French, it sounded like French. Raya and I start to sweat despite the chill. What the hell were they going to do to us? Why else would they be using another language?"
The man looks at them "Are you armed?"
Raya points at me. "She has a little hand gun thing, just for protection."
I wanted to punch her so bad but what could I do, it was already out in the open. I set the gun down with an angry thud and glare at Raya. Friend or not, she was out of line for getting our weapon taken. Its not like you could just go get a new one. The man watches me, curiously.
"How old are you?"
Raya smiles politely, although I could hear the nerves in her voice. "I'm twenty four, my name is Raya and I come from Texas. What about you?"
The man and women look at each other. "I'm Ben and this is my sister Sarah, we were raised in this house."
They all look at me. "My name Is Aria. I'm from California. And my age doesn't really matter does it. Are you going to let us go?"
Raya elbows me. "Aria, don't be rude. I'm sorry, were not used to other people. We were on our own until we found each other a few weeks ago."
The man nods. "Its all right. Are there many people starting to come out as you travel?"
I shake my head no, but I wasn't going to get into it. I had a very bad feeling and I just wanted to get out of there and be on my own where it was safe.
Sarah lowers her gun. "When was the last time the two of you ate?"
Raya smiles. "We have some food, we do okay there. We would be happy to share with you for keeping us out of the rain?"
Sarah smiles, "We have plenty but thank you. Why don't you come on upstairs and get dry by the fire. No one will do you harm here."
Raya smiles and takes it as fact, I smile just because its expected but I still didn't trust them, and I still wanted to get out of there. But it would be nice to be dry and warm again.

We go upstairs and Sarah takes our homemade rain ponchos and jackets. I sit on the floor next to the fire and warm my hands, still watching them. Ben was making drinks on a little cart near the window, Sarah hung our things up and comes to sit down near us. Ben hands me a glass. "Its whiskey, its strong but it will warm you up a little more."
I take it so its not rude but I had no intention of drinking it. He could have put something in it, something to make you sleep. I watch as Raya takes a sip. I just hold it between my hands. Ben smiles at me.
"Your not very trusting around people are you?"
I look at him strait in the eyes. "No, im not. Have you been here since it all happened? In this house I mean?"
He nods. "Our family went rather quickly but Sarah and I never got sick. We couldn't think of anywhere else to go. Everyone we know has lived in a five mile radius of us our whole lives. Its the way farm country works. My father was a doomsday prepper and five years ago he started to convert the farm to be independent from the rest of the world. Because of it we have power and water and it keeps us going. I cant imagine there are places with power out there?"
I wasn't so convinced that he wasn't a threat but, I was relaxing a little bit more. I still had my eye on the exit.
"I came across a gas station that was run by solar power, but your right, there is no power, no running water, no heat. You are smart to stay put. You said there were others. How many people are living here with you?"
Sarah smiles. " A week after the outbreak a man found us in town salvaging, his name is Logan, he will be back soon. Then after a little bit more time passed, maybe a month, we found a women with a broken leg on the highway. Her name is Grace. Its just the four of us. We haven't seen anyone else alive, until you came."
Ben refills his drink. "You said your from California Aria? Have you traveled all this way?"
I Nod my head yes and watch as Sarah pokes the fire.
"Its like this the whole way isn't it?"
I nod. "I'm afraid so. California is a waste land, the fires started a week into the outbreak and im sure by now its all burnt to the ground. It was heading into Arizona as well as I was leaving but we got some rain and I didn't see anymore fire. But everywhere I have been, their all dead. Its all the same everywhere."
"Where are you headed?"
I look at Raya giving her the look to not say anything.
"Were just going where we go. We don't really have a plan. Why do you ask?"
Sarah looks at ben "You can stay here with us, as long as you chip in. That's all we ask. Its not like there is an abundance of people out there. I think we should stick together."
Raya tears up and stands. "Oh thank you so much."
I Stand up and hand Sarah her drink. "That's really nice of you but, I need to get going. I have to find some fuel and get back on the road."
Raya looks at her surprised. "Aria, we cant leave!"
I smile at her. "You can stay Raya, really. But I cant."
Ben stands. "Its going to be dark in a hour, wont you just stay till morning? I have a little fuel I can spare for you, Ill take you to your car myself in the morning if you'd like. Its miserable to try and drive in this, especially in the dark. You shouldn't be out there by yourself."
Raya takes my hand. "Just one night Ari? Please?"
I know that Ben is right, it would be dark and it was horrible weather, what would one night hurt. I could leave in the morning and most likely by myself now that Raya had found a place to call home again. But I had to press on to Virginia. I could always come back and check on Raya after. But I was going. I had to.
"Alright, one night. Thank you for your hospitality."
Ben smiles. "You can relax Aria, were not going to hurt you. Just think of it like a hotel."
I smile. I wanted to believe him but something was off and I couldn't put my finger on it. I always believed if something was too good to be true, it usually was. Hopefully Raya would come with me in the morning. It would be hard to leave again on my own.  But I wont force her to. She was on her own before me. I had to finish this out.

Logan and Grace come in together a half hour later, each carrying a box of things. Grace was someone I felt I could trust easily. She just had one of those sweet voices and kind faces. She was in her thirties, tall for a women but thin as a pole. She had lost all four of her children and gave up on life until they found her and brought her to the farm, to heal from her broken leg she got trying to jump to her death. I could see that out of all of us, her burden seemed to be a little more than the normal. I couldn't imagine having four kids under the age of ten and loosing them all in a single night. What that must have done to her mind, I have no idea how she came out the other side and is still so nice.
 Logan like me is quite and looked at me with just as much distrust as I had for him. I couldn't tell how old he was and he didn't say. But I doubt he was thirty yet. He was from Virginia but hadn't been back home in years due to being deployed, he didn't give much more about anything about him self and he said very little in general. Something about him seemed to draw me in but I ignored it, why wasn't he trying to get home now? Did he know something about Virginia that I didn't?
 Raya made quick work of getting to work on flirting with Logan and despite my unease it made me smile. Looks like she got the hot guy she had been wishing for. Maybe she was meant to stay here and that is why I found her. I wanted to believe I could still go out on my own, but the thought of it made me sick to my stomach. It wouldn't be easy but its necessary. I would just enjoy my last night with people. At least I would finally get that hot shower I had been dreaming of. Life had changed on me once, and it was about to change again. I just had to deal with it, what choice did I have. If I stay on this farm and never try, I don't think I can live with myself. What if my grandparents need me. I'm all they have now as far as help coming. I still had a lot of miles to cross, I just hoped it wasn't too late. The more time that passed the more worried I became. Was I chasing a fantasy, was I lost in my illusions like I thought Raya had been? Was I stupid to believe that they could survive it at that age. Still, the not knowing was eating at me. Id give anything to have phones running again. one call could save me one long trip right about now. But that's the way the cookie crumbled...and its a cookie im going to have to eat.

Miles of death-4

I look at the map and try not to notice that Raya is currently puking out the side of the car. We had arrived in Dallas and were broaching the entrance but it was too congested with cars, so we would have to go in on foot and see what we see that way. I didn't want to leave the car with all these supplies for anyone to take but, we were doing it despite my better judgment. I have started over so many times at this point, I knew that we would be alright either way, I just hoped no one reaped my hard work. Raya has been struggling with the stench for the last hour as we got closer. As I suspected it was thick with rotten nastiness, and it was much worse than when I had left LA.  I prepared with my usual Vicks and bandana and helped Raya apply hers. It was something to help, but it was not going to be easy in there. I made sure we had enough water and food with us for a few days, just in case.  When Raya gets out of the car, I do the same and lock it up. I watch her carefully, it was easy to get dehydrated in the heat let alone when you keep throwing up.
"You sure you want to go in there Raya?"
She takes a deep breath "Not exactly but were here, might as well see it though. Maybe we can at least find out what happened?"
I sigh a little hesitant to stick it out. "Maybe, alright, lets get moving. We should be back to the car in like six hours just to be safe. There is a town we can stay in a few miles to the north."
Raya smiles. "Sounds like a plan, so where should we start?"
I look around taking my map out. "We should avoid the bridge, I think its longer to walk it.  Lets see if that boat down there has fuel in it, maybe we can just go across in that?"
Raya nods. "Good thinking."
We make our way down from the road to the docks, walking around any dead or debris. We walk in silence, each of us looking around watching for any sign of anyone else. I get to the boat and am happy to see its a basic boat, one I know how to use and steer. I get in and see that there is fuel and start up the engine. It purrs and I smile at Raya.
"Were in business."
Raya cheers and whistles."Awesome! This will save us a lot of walking, can we get around the city by water?"
I look at the map. "Only the coast line on this side of us and around to the other, you'd have to walk in to get to city center."
Raya looks over the map. "Where do you think people would be hiding out?"
I sigh looking over the map. "I don't see any fires, I wonder if the power station is still in tact, or the water station, those would be places to look first. Maybe someone would know how to turn it on and settle where they can manage it. We could check out the grocery stores and see if there is a lot taken, if there is someone is probably around."
Raya nods. "Lets start at the power station, I think that's the smartest place. We can at least see if it has been tended for power to go to a certain area."
I tuck the map in my pocket and untie the boat from the dock.
"Alright, I will get us as close as we can by water."
I head out looking around the water for markers and once I get my bearings I head down the coast where the map shows the station is. After a ten minute boat drive I pull over to a dock and tie off. We get off the boat and walk up the pier.
"We don't have far to walk, its three blocks up. Look out for any food stores, we can check that on the way."
Raya nods and we start walking. The bodies are literally everywhere, like people literally dropped and died where they were walking. The heat was getting to the highest point of the day and I was already sweating. It made the stench feel like it clung to you. My eyes were watering a bit but I pushed forward. Raya also showed signs that the smell was getting to be too much but like me she kept on.

A block up we see some shopping areas and go to look inside. The shelves looked pretty much untouched other than where people had fallen or taken a few things. There didn't seem to be anyone around collecting any of the water which was a big give a way to me that there was no one alive here. They wouldn't be able to live in this stench. But I kept my opinions to myself and took a few things along the way that I could carry. You could never have too much water or food in this world. Raya decided to get a cart and fill it, which we would pick up on our way back to the boat. Since it was good thinking I filled a cart to. We didn't dawdle and made fast work of looking around. Then we continued towards the power station. As we passed buildings we peaked in the windows, no movement anywhere other then an ungodly amount of rats and birds. I was getting a bit light headed from the heat and smell and my legs were heavy but I ignored it. Only a little further to the power station and I was pretty sure I could talk Raya into going back to the car and calling it. We tried, but to be honest we have not been here long and we can barely stand it, who would live here? I was beginning to think that Raya was making choices based on her hopes and not the reality of what is. I would have to keep that in mind in the future. I couldn't waste too much more time on my way to Virginia. I didn't mind stopping for a few minutes here and there but I wasn't going to go hiking through city's of dead to make her feel better. Not that I begrudged her for her hope, but I'm a realist. As much as I can be anyway.

At the power station, just as I predicted it is not running and no one has been around at least not that I could tell. Raya walks around trying to think of where else they could look, while she does that I sit down and drink some water trying to get some shade for a few minutes. After a few minutes Raya comes over and sits down. I hand her a bottle of water and she chugs it.
"There is no one alive in this whole damn city is there?"
I lay back in the grass, it was nice to not be in the beating sun. It was still hot but, at least I didn't feel my skin burning under the noon sun.
"I don't know about the whole city but I think it would be too much to try and stay in any city. If there were survivors I'm sure they took what they could and got out. I mean look around, its holy hell between the stench and the heat. Would you stay here?"
Raya sighs and also lays back in the grass.
"Your right, no one would stay here. Maybe there were people and they got out like you said. We should probably stop looking in citys huh?"
I nod. "I think its best to avoid them when you can but maybe there are city's that aren't hit like this. Maybe the East Coast is okay? Don't give up hope just because this was not successful, its Texas, its too damn hot here."
Raya laughs. "True, where would you go from here if you lived in the city?"
I knew where this was going and I didn't want to stick around any longer. I sit up slowly.
"I think I would load up a car and just pick a direction and go. I don't think they left with a certain area in mind. That's what I did at least. I knew to head towards Virginia and that's all I knew. If they had family somewhere they probably headed in that direction or maybe they think like us and hope the East Coast is okay and headed there. Its hard to say. I think that if we are going to find people, it will happen like how you found me, at the right place at the right time."
Raya dumps some water on her head. "I think we should head back now and get the hell out of here."
I stand and pick up my book bag. "Alright, lets go get those carts, at least we found some stuff. We can check some fuel stations to on our way, I saw two."
I was trying to cheer her up and give her something to keep her mind on but she just walked on with her shoulders hunched. I never seen her down in any kind of way. I wasn't sure what to say or what to do. Maybe she knew someone in the city and wasn't telling me. She was from Texas after all. As much as I had learned about her, I still didn't know her well. I let her walk on in silence. I didn't have any more answers to the questions either. And I didn't know how to make it better for her, I was just trying to survive myself. We walked in silence all the way to the carts, we found a few gas cans and filled them out of the cars on the street. At the boat we load it up ditching the carts. I let her collect her thoughts as we head back towards the car. I pull back into the same dock where we found the boat and shut the boat off. I tie it up and begin to gather the stuff to start carry it up to the car. Raya sits and continues to look out at the water.
"Would we get further by Boat?"
I stop and look at her. Thinking it over for a minute as I work.
"We would have to go out to sea and this boat wouldn't make the trip, its made for lakes and rivers and that kind of stuff. We can drive along the coast and try to find a different boat if you want? We would probably get a lot further a lot faster by sea. Less distractions, but there is not a lot of places to find fuel in the middle of the ocean. We would have to fill a boat to the max to make it. Then you have the weather issues that come up and neither of us are captains or know how to navigate the maps on sea, it would be a risk."
Raya picks up a bag and tosses it on the dock.
"Never mind, seems like too much against us. How do you know stuff like this, like what to do?"
I just shrug. "I don't, I just am trying to figure it out as I go. You know how to fish and hunt and change a tire, I don't know how to do any of that."
Raya smiles. "So your saying im useful to have around?"
I look at her curiously. I see the questioning look in her eyes. "Of course you are, you pull your own weight. Is that what all this was about? You think we need more people because your a burden?"
She shrugs and looks away. I laugh lightly. "Raya, it was hell on my own, its twenty times better when your around, not just for your help but because I consider you a friend now. Were in this together alright, we will figure out what we need to as we go. What I don't know you probably will and vice versa. Maybe we were meant to find each other, maybe some where up there someone is trying to help us out."
She sighs. "I'm glad I found you to Aria, and I consider you my family at this point. Were the only two here. I could have ended up with some nut job or something but instead I found you and you have been my sanity these last few weeks. I know im a mess and im a little out there with thinking we will find people but I feel it, there's others out there alone Aria. We were alone, you remember what its like."
I nod. "I do, and we will find them somehow, im not giving up either. We just need to be a little smarter about where we look."
Raya climbs out the boat and I hand her a bag. She smiles at me. "Lets blow this popsicle stand."
I laugh. "Id kill for a popsicle right about now."
Raya grunts. "I'd kill for an ice cold pop right now."
We spent the rest of the time naming off all the cold things we could think of to take our minds off the blistering heat.
Once the car is loaded and aired out a bit, we get in and start driving away from the city. Raya watches in her rear view mirror as it fades in the distance. Aria looks ahead, without any reason to look back. The two of them both lost in their own thoughts about what the road ahead would bring.