I guess you could say the last few years a lot of soul searching has been done within myself. Most of it steams from the fact that I am a women who has had difficulty caring a child, I don't think its any big secrete that I have lost. I am very outspoken about it, through out this whole process. All the stages of it I wanted to be honest in what I was facing, what I was feeling, not just for myself but because all the research I did I felt like fluff answers were given and no one said what I was feeling. No one was telling the truth. Not in the areas that happen that make you question your own inner sanity. Like the stage in anger where you cant even stand the people in your life that have kids, and you know they have done nothing wrong and they are nothing but sweet and supportive but you just cant stand to see them with their kids cause its like a figurative kick to your nut sack. That's the truth that was missing. You get so damn mad all the time for such small reasons. You go from zero to sixty on the drop of a dime at least for up to three months after because your so pissed off at yourself, what happened, you feel defective and your basically looking for anything to direct it at, anything to pin it to that isn't you because you cant stand the truth, you cant stand the fact that its all out of your hands and you get no say in any of it no matter what you did or how perfect you did it. Its not up to you, unlike others who have success and there is no answers out there that says this is why you struggle and others don't. Its just the way it is and that is such a big and hard pill to swallow. Especially since women grow up being told that their the life carriers, they get to have this great and amazing experience and its beautiful and happy...and that's not the truth for all of us and no one warns you or prepares you for that. No one tells you, that some bodies cant, that some bodies loose. And even when it happens women wont talk about it with others. Some women never tell a soul because its always the same reason. We failed. Everyone is going to think im less then because I cant. You cant stop that feeling, no matter who you are, where you come from or how tough you are. Its a low unlike any other and its a real bitch to pull yourself up and out of that rut. I just wanted to say you know what...this is the truth of how im feeling and I don't care if its not lady like, If its not polite, if its mean or hurtful. I need to speak, I have to speak and in the end it helped me. Once I was over the hump I was really happy I put the truth out there, because someone out there who has also walked a mile in my shoes might read it and say. Finally...im not abnormal. These are things that come up for other people and its something I will one day outgrow. Its okay to wear your wounds with pride, its okay to stand up and say you know what,...this happened and im going to talk no matter what anyone says, those that want to listen will listen or read it and take from it what I set out to do and if that is just one...so be it...I'm doing this for that one...who needs it. I can take the heat and the meanness and the cold shoulder because people are uncomfortable with handling pain in their life and chose to walk around like their made of stone. I'm not made of stone, I have a heart and it bleeds same as yours...if that bothers you. Hey...welcome to the real world my friend, not everything is sun shine and rainbows and not everything can be covered with a band aid. I think the strongest people in this world are those that are not afraid to be real in whatever moment they are living, and to make a real stand for what they think is best.
Loss will happen to us all, maybe a grandparent, parent, sibling or a child..no life is free of that. All I am simply saying is that when it happens, what you feel, how you think is not the same as even your family members that you know, so it wont be true for everyone else. And instead of judging someone who is bringing a light across...even if you cant understand it yourself you can at least identify the pain in loss and at least keep your mouth shut as you walk away. If your a protestor, and you don't agree with the choices of some women...perhaps you can take one second to realize that maybe...just maybe a baby who doesn't come to term is still a lesion someone needs to learn. If this never happened to me. I would never have grown the strong heart that gets me to speak out and up for those struggling...and ultimately it made me better. You don't have all the answers, I don't have all the answers, so who is to say is right over the other. Remember that before mouths open, especially when you have no experience in it yourself. The same is said for movies and scripts where it happens and unrealistic things happen that stain or stigmatize women who have suffered is also a nasty and irresponsible thing to do. Do not waddle in waters you never waded in until someone told you about it. Until you stumble on it yourself. You cant say you know what it consists of. Nor will you see the beauty in moments we don't control in life.
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