The one thing.....

Im not at all sure where exactly I fit into this world. Have you ever felt like that? So I am, old enough to know that life has phases to it and that every person is at a certain level in their own journey and every path walked has to be walked alone ultimatly. Ever since I was little there has been this thing inside myself just hanging there like, your supposed to be doing something important...yet for the life of me I have no idea what it is that is supposed to shut that feeling off. I never began something and was like oooh yeah, your right, this is the great thing I was meant for. Not that I havent dug in and worked hard and loved what I was doing...it just wasnt the feeling of one hundred percent forfillment. I still felt like I was missing something, or that something was right around the corner and all I had to do was make sure I was on the right street, but I never seemed to find that street with the corner that would make everything into perfect perspective. How does one make it to their 30's and still not know where they fit? What their purpose is or what direction to go in now? I know I didnt follow the normal plan in how things were supposed to go in life, I had a lot of curves in the bend. But, I still accomplished what I set out to do. When I was young, I was very determined to get out in the world and get my own job, get my own place, make my own money and go some where, where I knew no one and I was alone and just sort of fly by myself for awhile. So unlike the normal person, although I was more than capable and smart enough to finish school, I took off. I explored what was around me, I worked weird jobs when others were at school, I went to places I probably had no buisness being in at my age and did things that now would seem like a total stupid thing to do. But I lived, I worked, and I made my own day and I spread my wings. Then reality set in that things would always be hard if I went too long without a finished education, so I went back and busted my ass and graduated top of my class. I did it because I decided it was time in my own life to finish the one thing I gave up to get ahead. I went and lived in other states alone with no one. I lived with room mates, I lived by myself, I saw city life and I saw deep into the back woods of our country with the Amish. I walked in more ways of life then most get to. It was the best time of my life, I learned so much about myself and what I could handle and what I couldnt. I learned what I wanted and what I wasnt into. I did things my way in my own terms and most people shook their head at me and said I was wasting my time, that I needed to get serious. Eventually I did, But I wasnt ready. I still wanted to get out there and see the world. I clipped my wings because I listened to the voices telling me that these are the steps that one is supposed to do in life, you finish school, you get an education in what field you want, you work hard and earn a good spot on a comfortable level and then you travel. I couldnt understand that. How does one just know what they want when they have only seen one small corner of the world. I had a lot of ideas about what I wanted in life. I had lots of interests and things I invested in but I couldnt tell you just one. Still cant. I didnt finish my degree because there I was in class and it just hit me. This is not at all what I want. This job is so dull, there is no life in it, its not at all what I thought it was and its not at all a job that I would feel was worth spending all this time and money on. Thats the truth. I dont want to be like the people in my life growing up that worked because they had to, they dreaded going to their jobs but they had to put food on the table and no matter how hard they worked, or where they worked it was always just enough to survive. Its like they walked life with no heart in it, not that its their fault or that their failures to me. I think most people end up like that because that is the reality no one ever really tells you. You dont go to school and get everything you want because you did. Sometimes you go to school and what you wanted was not at all what you got but here you are, already invested and you just finish it to get it done. Thats not okay with me. I have heard it all, you quit, you dont finish what you start. But you know what, I know that is not true. Because anything I want, anything that makes me happy and I can really dig into, gets done. I dont have a problem trying things and then saying you know what...its not for me. I tried it, I gave it my all and Its just not my thing man. Thats not a failure. I think the faliure is not trying at all and just wondering your whole life. If I stopped going to school and took the time to figure out what I wanted...would my life be better? At least I dont have to ask myself that. I am sure I will sometimes feel like I am in a rut because I didnt get the degree, but, I will just remind myself of the misery it would have been doing that every day. Right now I have a job that I like and its paying the bills, but its not my calling. I am working hard on a passion I have always had and that is to become a writer, but the stories I write are never good enough to me, I cant finish a lot of them, I have half written piles and a very little pile of finished. Its frustrating and I love writing and im not giving up...but still I feel...its something I need to do for me but its not the calling I was meant for. I wish I knew what that was, but those are answers not just given like a gift. I sincerlly hope i figure it out soon. I hope I find that one thing that makes me feel like this is why Im alive. This is why im here. This is my duty, my calling, and now I can die satisfied that I did what I was put here to do. I dont think I can rest in peace if I never find that. Its very stressful battling your own inner time line. Were always chasing time...and there is never enough. Maybe my purpose is to find a way to control the clock...LIKE THAT EVER WORKED FOR ANYONE, right? Life is so dang frustrating, isent it? Forget love, Life is a battle field. But as messy and brutal as it is...at least in my life, I know I will always live it on my own terms and I will always march to my own beat and pick my own path. I always had a back bone, that im thankful for. Im hoping its that backbone that leads me to the end of the maze where everyone prays they make it to. I just want to say at the end of my life...'You know what...it was pretty damn good man, one hell of a ride." I want a million things to sit and think about when time is all I have. I dont ever want to wonder if I did enough or if I was enough or if I matter enough. Nothing scares me more then dying without doing one thing that someone can say, "Liz, did that." Whatever that was...i hope it was good and that it made a positive change somewhere. Thats all im hoping for.