Wading in waters too deep...

I guess you could say the last few years a lot of soul searching has been done within myself. Most of it steams from the fact that I am a women who has had difficulty caring a child, I don't think its any big secrete that I have lost. I am very outspoken about it, through out this whole process. All the stages of it I wanted to be honest in what I was facing, what I was feeling, not just for myself but because all the research I did I felt like fluff answers were given and no one said what I was feeling. No one was telling the truth. Not in the areas that happen that make you question your own inner sanity. Like the stage in anger where you cant even stand the people in your life that have kids, and you know they have done nothing wrong and they are nothing but sweet and supportive but you just cant stand to see them with their kids cause its like a figurative kick to your nut sack. That's the truth that was missing. You get so damn mad all the time for such small reasons. You go from zero to sixty on the drop of a dime at least for up to three months after because your so pissed off at yourself, what happened, you feel defective and your basically looking for anything to direct it at, anything to pin it to that isn't you because you cant stand the truth, you cant stand the fact that its all out of your hands and you get no say in any of it no matter what you did or how perfect you did it. Its not up to you, unlike others who have success and there is no answers out there that says this is why you struggle and others don't. Its just the way it is and that is such a big and hard pill to swallow. Especially since women grow up being told that their the life carriers, they get to have this great and amazing experience and its beautiful and happy...and that's not the truth for all of us and no one warns you or prepares you for that. No one tells you, that some bodies cant, that some bodies loose. And even when it happens women wont talk about it with others. Some women never tell a soul because its always the same reason. We failed. Everyone is going to think im less then because I cant. You cant stop that feeling, no matter who you are, where you come from or how tough you are. Its a low unlike any other and its a real bitch to pull yourself up and out of that rut. I just wanted to say you know what...this is the truth of how im feeling and I don't care if its not lady like, If its not polite, if its mean or hurtful. I need to speak, I have to speak and in the end it helped me. Once I was over the hump I was really happy I put the truth out there, because someone out there who has also walked a mile in my shoes might read it and say. Finally...im not abnormal. These are things that come up for other people and its something I will one day outgrow. Its okay to wear your wounds with pride, its okay to stand up and say you know what,...this happened and im going to talk no matter what anyone says, those that want to listen will listen or read it and take from it what I set out to do and if that is just one...so be it...I'm doing this for that one...who needs it. I can take the heat and the meanness and the cold shoulder because people are uncomfortable with handling pain in their life and chose to walk around like their made of stone. I'm not made of stone, I have a heart and it bleeds same as yours...if that bothers you. Hey...welcome to the real world my friend, not everything is sun shine and rainbows and not everything can be covered with a band aid. I think the strongest people in this world are those that are not afraid to be real in whatever moment they are living, and to make a real stand for what they think is best.
Loss will happen to us all, maybe a grandparent, parent, sibling or a child..no life is free of that. All I am simply saying is that when it happens, what you feel, how you think is not the same as even your family members that you know, so it wont be true for everyone else. And instead of judging someone who is bringing a light across...even if you cant understand it yourself you can at least identify the pain in loss and at least keep your mouth shut as you walk away. If your a protestor, and you don't agree with the choices of some women...perhaps you can take one second to realize that maybe...just maybe a baby who doesn't come to term is still a lesion someone needs to learn. If this never happened to me. I would never have grown the strong heart that gets me to speak out and up for those struggling...and ultimately it made me better. You don't have all the answers, I don't have all the answers, so who is to say is right over the other. Remember that before mouths open, especially when you have no experience in it yourself. The same is said for movies and scripts where it happens and unrealistic things happen that stain or stigmatize women who have suffered is also a nasty and irresponsible thing to do. Do not waddle in waters you never waded in until someone told you about it. Until you stumble on it yourself. You cant say you know what it consists of. Nor will you see the beauty in moments we don't control in life.

The one thing.....

Im not at all sure where exactly I fit into this world. Have you ever felt like that? So I am, old enough to know that life has phases to it and that every person is at a certain level in their own journey and every path walked has to be walked alone ultimatly. Ever since I was little there has been this thing inside myself just hanging there like, your supposed to be doing something important...yet for the life of me I have no idea what it is that is supposed to shut that feeling off. I never began something and was like oooh yeah, your right, this is the great thing I was meant for. Not that I havent dug in and worked hard and loved what I was doing...it just wasnt the feeling of one hundred percent forfillment. I still felt like I was missing something, or that something was right around the corner and all I had to do was make sure I was on the right street, but I never seemed to find that street with the corner that would make everything into perfect perspective. How does one make it to their 30's and still not know where they fit? What their purpose is or what direction to go in now? I know I didnt follow the normal plan in how things were supposed to go in life, I had a lot of curves in the bend. But, I still accomplished what I set out to do. When I was young, I was very determined to get out in the world and get my own job, get my own place, make my own money and go some where, where I knew no one and I was alone and just sort of fly by myself for awhile. So unlike the normal person, although I was more than capable and smart enough to finish school, I took off. I explored what was around me, I worked weird jobs when others were at school, I went to places I probably had no buisness being in at my age and did things that now would seem like a total stupid thing to do. But I lived, I worked, and I made my own day and I spread my wings. Then reality set in that things would always be hard if I went too long without a finished education, so I went back and busted my ass and graduated top of my class. I did it because I decided it was time in my own life to finish the one thing I gave up to get ahead. I went and lived in other states alone with no one. I lived with room mates, I lived by myself, I saw city life and I saw deep into the back woods of our country with the Amish. I walked in more ways of life then most get to. It was the best time of my life, I learned so much about myself and what I could handle and what I couldnt. I learned what I wanted and what I wasnt into. I did things my way in my own terms and most people shook their head at me and said I was wasting my time, that I needed to get serious. Eventually I did, But I wasnt ready. I still wanted to get out there and see the world. I clipped my wings because I listened to the voices telling me that these are the steps that one is supposed to do in life, you finish school, you get an education in what field you want, you work hard and earn a good spot on a comfortable level and then you travel. I couldnt understand that. How does one just know what they want when they have only seen one small corner of the world. I had a lot of ideas about what I wanted in life. I had lots of interests and things I invested in but I couldnt tell you just one. Still cant. I didnt finish my degree because there I was in class and it just hit me. This is not at all what I want. This job is so dull, there is no life in it, its not at all what I thought it was and its not at all a job that I would feel was worth spending all this time and money on. Thats the truth. I dont want to be like the people in my life growing up that worked because they had to, they dreaded going to their jobs but they had to put food on the table and no matter how hard they worked, or where they worked it was always just enough to survive. Its like they walked life with no heart in it, not that its their fault or that their failures to me. I think most people end up like that because that is the reality no one ever really tells you. You dont go to school and get everything you want because you did. Sometimes you go to school and what you wanted was not at all what you got but here you are, already invested and you just finish it to get it done. Thats not okay with me. I have heard it all, you quit, you dont finish what you start. But you know what, I know that is not true. Because anything I want, anything that makes me happy and I can really dig into, gets done. I dont have a problem trying things and then saying you know what...its not for me. I tried it, I gave it my all and Its just not my thing man. Thats not a failure. I think the faliure is not trying at all and just wondering your whole life. If I stopped going to school and took the time to figure out what I wanted...would my life be better? At least I dont have to ask myself that. I am sure I will sometimes feel like I am in a rut because I didnt get the degree, but, I will just remind myself of the misery it would have been doing that every day. Right now I have a job that I like and its paying the bills, but its not my calling. I am working hard on a passion I have always had and that is to become a writer, but the stories I write are never good enough to me, I cant finish a lot of them, I have half written piles and a very little pile of finished. Its frustrating and I love writing and im not giving up...but still I feel...its something I need to do for me but its not the calling I was meant for. I wish I knew what that was, but those are answers not just given like a gift. I sincerlly hope i figure it out soon. I hope I find that one thing that makes me feel like this is why Im alive. This is why im here. This is my duty, my calling, and now I can die satisfied that I did what I was put here to do. I dont think I can rest in peace if I never find that. Its very stressful battling your own inner time line. Were always chasing time...and there is never enough. Maybe my purpose is to find a way to control the clock...LIKE THAT EVER WORKED FOR ANYONE, right? Life is so dang frustrating, isent it? Forget love, Life is a battle field. But as messy and brutal as it is...at least in my life, I know I will always live it on my own terms and I will always march to my own beat and pick my own path. I always had a back bone, that im thankful for. Im hoping its that backbone that leads me to the end of the maze where everyone prays they make it to. I just want to say at the end of my life...'You know what...it was pretty damn good man, one hell of a ride." I want a million things to sit and think about when time is all I have. I dont ever want to wonder if I did enough or if I was enough or if I matter enough. Nothing scares me more then dying without doing one thing that someone can say, "Liz, did that." Whatever that was...i hope it was good and that it made a positive change somewhere. Thats all im hoping for.