You of the Me inside

I wake up. I move as the sun starts from rise and sets in gloom.
I go to sleep. Dreaming of monsters with your face.
I am consumed with rage.

I say "Good Morning" to your face.
But in my brain I scream "I wish you never woke today."
I tap dance to the melody you choose. I play the perfect Muse.
But in my heart I throw punches at you, toss daggers from the soul.
I secretly and willingly despise you.
You.
You are my greatest Demise.
You.
You are my deepest chastise
You.
You, Are how I really feel about me inside.
Me.
You have killed me this time.

Blog:Meaning of life

Do you remember that time in your life, on the cusp of adulthood and freedom. When you spent your days in school and the evenings working some job serving burgers or hanging out with your best friends. Maybe, getting into a little trouble, pushing the limits and defining who you are and who you want to be in the future. When love was so intense you just knew it was going to last forever, and you dreamed of being some big head honcho in a big house on easy street. Everything was on the up and up. Everything was yours for the taking.

 There was a time where I envied that, that time had come and passed for me. But, now that I am a little older, im realizing that although that was where your life was supposed to begin, it is not the end all be all glory of your life. I am not middle aged according to my medical chart, if you want to count 31 as middle aged, and I don't. This is the time when all that hard work you did in those glory days paid off. But that is not at all the reality of what your thirties are. In fact it is very similar to my 18 year old self. What do I want to do with the rest of my life, do I want to have my own family, do I want to buy a house, am I going to be a career women or a family women. I am just at another cusp of my life it seems.

  Then I got to thinking, perhaps one day down the road I will be at another cusp of my life, where I am then going to have to decide what I want to do with the final years of my life. I am finding that all life really is are phases of time and decisions, moments of hellos and goodbyes, one door closing and another opening. SO, is any decision an end all be all if eventually it will all change again? I don't think so. It just seems that way. As humans we have a natural ability to make life bigger than its meant, therefore creating this big mystery about life. When its simple really. You make a choice, you ride that choice out, you learn, you create experience and memory's, emotions and lesions. You may procreate, you may not, but the fate of our species does not rely on one womb. Every one has the same speed bumps, even though we travel different roads. Once you stop believing that life is this gigantic mystery puzzle that you have to solve, the more clearer things become, and the more simply you can live your life.

  What ever phase of your life that you are in now. If you want to make a clear decision on what you should do. Then I would only project up to twenty years at a time. Because by then you will be reaching a new phase and new choices will come. If you stop focusing on the whole of your life and concentrate on segments of it, then there wont be as much stress or fuss when shit starts to hit the fan. This to shall pass. And it will pass, as it is destined to. All you have to do in life is make sure every choice you make is the one you want the most for your life. You have to live it, therefore you must be the one to decide without influence from the outside world. If they can not except your choices then they do not except your life and are not meant to be in them. The ones who are will always be there.

Chapter Four: The mind of Death

I stand in the corner of the room while Ben's son Henry and his daughter in law Nancy stand on one side of the bed quietly crying, on the other is his daughter Claire and son in law Jack. They are seeing him for the first time in a few months, just arriving from their drive from Richmond. His two grand children stood my his head, hugging each other. All looking down at the man they loved so much. There was no longer any beeping of the machines, there was no more cords and Iv's. Just Ben, looking as if he was in a peaceful sleep. I knew he was trying very hard to sit up and tell them everything he longed to say. One by one they all took turns kissing his face and whispering their goodbyes in his ears, pledging their love and devotion. And struggling to contain their own grief as they try to grasp how their lives will go on without this great man in it. He had a beautiful family, he was very loved. He was lucky to have this. There were many who took their last breaths alone, many saw only me to greet them. Ben was a man who was too great to die alone.

I knew that it would only be a matter of minutes until he went. He would wait for all of them to leave. He wouldn't want them to witness that and remember only his death and not his life. He would go when he was ready, and I would be ready for him. I would sit and wait for as long as he needed me to wait. I watched the family clear out and go speak to the nurses. They wanted to be notified if he passed during the night. As they were hitting the elevator button, Ben took his last breath. I walked over to the bed. Waiting for his soul to come forward from his body. When I see a young face come forward and lift of the one of the elderly version, I know he has finally passed.

" Hello Ben, Im Able. Do not be afraid, Im here to guide you."
Ben sits up slowly un aware that only his soul rises and his body is still on the bed. He carefully puts his feet on the floor and stands up. No aches, no weakness. He tests it and gives a little bounce.
"Nothing hurts. I feel like I could run forever and never stop. I feel like I could lift up a whole mountain by myself."
I smile at him. "You will never feel any pain ever again, nor will you age from this form, Ben."
It is then that he notices his self laying on the bed, then touches his heart, looking down at his hands and his arms. He touches his face.
"I'm...I'M...."
I enjoy his childlike response and smile as he tries to process. "Your young again? Yes, you are."
He looks at me in wonder. " Am I dead now?"
I nod. Seeing the reality hit home in his face. "Yes, I know you were expecting to see your wife here and not me."
He stops and his arms fall to his sides. His shoulders slightly slump. " Where is she?"
I know that this is very confusing at first so I sit on the window sill before I begin speaking. Giving him time to let everything sink in.
"Im here to bring you to the commander. But you can not go to judgment until you are ready to go. And you are not. So, I was sent here to help you find your way to judgment, so you can see your wife and all your friends you lost again."
Ben looks at the body in the bed and around the room. "Who sent you to me? And how do you know im not ready now?"
I raise an eyebrow. Amused that he was trying to dig for information. " Who do you think did?"
Ben sighs "God."
I nod. " Yes, but to Angels like me, we call him the commander in chief. I am the angel of death Ben, I specialize in solders. My job is to help you figure out everything you need to figure out so that you can go to judgment. Once you go before the commander, he will decide where I take you. I know you are not ready because I know everything there is to know about you, I have been watching you, your whole life."
Ben sighs. "So, I have some unfinished business?"
I nod. " Yes. Does that scare you?"
Ben folds his arms and starts pacing. "Yes, I killed many people. I broke many commandments."
"And you do not believe you would be excepted into heaven because of it?"
Ben looks and him and nods. "yes."
I stand up and walk over to the body now laying on the bed. "Did you see the people that have been coming in all week, just to see you and pay their respects?"
Ben continues to pace. "Yeah, they truly are wonderful people."
I nod. "Exactly Ben, their wonderful people, who came here because you meant something to them. How can a bad soul have so many who love him?"
Ben looks up as the family comes back into the room sobbing and holding each other. Ben runs right over to them. "Im okay, Im right here. Look at me, I'm young again, I can run and jump and I'm really happy." As he dances around them he notices they cant see or hear him. Ben looks over at me.
"My kids, my poor kids. Both their parents gone now. Oh, don't cry. Please don't cry."
I watch as they hold each other, as ben rubs at his chest flustered that their so distraught. "There are tears now but one day Ben, they will smile again. They have their own lives and destinies to for fill. Whenever you miss them you may check in on them, after judgment of course."
"What if I go to Hell?"
I sigh, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, come on. We have much to do."
Ben looks at his family in desperation. " I cant leave them like this."
I pause in the doorway, understanding the letting go aspect was a hard notion to comprehend. " There is nothing you or anyone else can do for them Ben. Death is a part of life and its a part of their Journey. They have each other  now. You have to think of yourself right now. Once we figure out what you need, the sooner you can get back to check in on them."
Ben sighs and looks them over one last time. " I will miss them very much."
I touch his shoulder lightly. "I know Ben, Im sorry. But you will see them again one day. Your not really gone, they just cant see or hear you."
"What if they need me?"
I smile at him, only a selfless person would worry about being around to help. " You will learn. Just like in life, you have to adapt to your new surroundings. You will get your bearings soon enough. Come on, I want to show you something."
Together they walk out the door. Ben looking back as his family and his life fades from his view. His life was over on earth, but in death he was just born. And my Job had just began.

Chapter Three: The mind of a dying man

I can hear movement in my room but I no longer have the energy to be fully awake and alert. I know it is not the nurse because the step is heavier and I don't hear the little scuffing of her shoes. I feel as if someone is standing over my bed. I knew they would be looking at me, weighing how I was fairing. At my age you don't have any vanity left. I feel a hand slip in mine and I knew immediately that it was my son Henry. He was a frequent visitor to me.
    I could feel his frail hand and it broke my heart. As I lay here in this bed, my son is fighting for his life. He has pancreatic cancer and over the last two months has taken a lot of hell from fighting it off. It breaks my heart that he suffers so and I am unable to be there when he needs me. It breaks my heart to know that it will not be long after I am gone that my son will also come home. He will never give up, like me he will fight to the end but it was never a war he ever had a chance at winning. For as much as he fights, the disease spreads just as strongly. I wish I could give him more time, I wish I could take his cancer with me to my death so he could have more years with his family.
   Henry's wife Nancy is a godsend to me, she insisted that I come and live with them when Margret passed. I was uncomfortable with the idea but I didn't want to be alone either. All my children had moved out of Syracuse and there was no one there that could help me in my elder state. So I packed up my home of fifty plus years and moved myself down to Tampa to Live with Henry and Nancy and their two children.
    Their eldest son Wyatt is a spit fire, he is fourteen now, but only four when I moved. We became very close but as he became a teenager, his attention turned towards the girls. But every night before he would go to sleep he would come to my room and tell me about his day and ask about mine. He was a very good friend to me. I enjoyed being able to be a friend instead of a parent. A true gift to a grandparent is being allowed to be their favorite and the good guy all the time. He pulled me out of my grief for my late wife and gave me reasons to look forward to things again.
   Their second child and my granddaughter Willa who is now twelve, reminds me so much of Margret it was like getting to peak inside my wife's child brain. Willa and I are two peas in a pod, and just like her grandmother she is always doing something sweet and thoughtful for the people she cares about. Putting her own little heart out for the world to see. She was the sweetest child I had ever met and my darling girl. That little girl stole my heart at two years old and she's held it ever since. I enjoy watching both my grandkids grow.
  However, watching my son Henry be a father was an absolute treasure. He was so patient and considerate and firm with love. He is the father I wanted to be for him and I am so proud of the man he has become. He is a respected attorney in the area, a very loving and doting husband to his wife, who is a nurse. They are the all American beautiful family. I know that my wife would have truly enjoyed her grandchildren and seeing Henry in this way. Henry has his mothers heart and my looks. He is the perfect mix of my stubborn hardworking ethics and Margret's gentile and thoughtful, patient heart. We truly created a special man, but all the credit goes to Margret, I'm embarrassed to admit.

I hear his breath hitch and I feel a lump in my own throat start. I wanted to sit up and tell him it was okay but I no longer was able to move. I was stuck in this sleep like state.
"Oh, Daddy, I hope your  not suffering."
I'm not son. How are you today, I thought. I listen as he slides a chair over to sit next to the bed.
"I cant stand up long today. I'm just back from chemo. I feel as old as you are today dad. I know I have my good days and my bad days but, I know I'm going to die dad. I'm scared."
My son, oh my son. I wish I could speak to you, to tell you that you have nothing to be scared of because a man like him would be welcomed with open arms in heaven. I feel as he rests his damp head on my arm.
"I'm sick all the time dad. I don't want to feel anymore. Maybe I will just go with you daddy."
No son, you have to stay for as long as you can. Wyatt and Willa need their dad for as long as they can have you.
"I know, you would tell me to stop whining and pull yourself up by your boot straps. I try dad, I really try to be as tough as you."
Your stronger than I ever will be Henry, and your not whining. Was I so stern to you that you cant tell me how you feel? I'm sorry son, I'm sorry Henry, that I never listened. That I never said I love you to you every single day. You make me so proud.
"Okay, dad, I will be back to check on you in the morning. I have to make it to Wyatt's baseball game today, so I need a nap. I will bring the kids up with me tomorrow, they miss you and love you very much dad. Your so great to them, thank you daddy. Thank you for letting my children in. All I ever wanted was for you to be able to discover yourself again. You spent so many years in pain. It was really nice to see you happy and to have these last ten years together. I love you daddy, your a great father and the best grandpa. You even have the mug to prove it. Get some sleep dad."
I listen as he gets up from the chair and as he makes his way out of the room. I never had been an emotional man, but I was moved to the core. He thought I was a great father? Was he just saying that because I'm dying? I was away so much when he was little, then I drank to much as he was becoming a man. I missed so much. How can I be a great father?  My poor son, he tries so hard. Please god, if anyone deserved a miracle it was my boy. My dying wish is for him to survive and live as long as I have. If a man as tainted as I can live this long, why should a good man die so young?

I drifted off in my mind, remembering my children as they aged, the nurses and doctors come in and begin Their daily assessment.
"His heart rate is slower, his blood pressure is low, his breathing is shallow. I think its time to call the family and let them know that we are removing the life support machines in the morning per request to their fathers medical planning."
I sigh to myself, this was it. Tomorrow I would die. The fear climbed from deep within but I pushed it back. Everyone dies, plenty of good men died in my own arms. I wouldn't cower in my last moments. It would be a dishonor. As the nurses do their daily routines to me I let myself drift back to when I first met my wife. Tomorrow we would finally be together again. That is what I would focus on. That is what would make this last day peaceful.

Women's suffrage

As a women in today's world, there is a lot of things that are offered to me that many fought and gave their lives for us to have. My biggest blessing in this life is that I am a female that gets a choice in what I want to say, what career I want to go in, where I want to live and whom I choose to marry. Although I am and many like me are blessed, there are still so many women out there that have no rights, that have no say and no voice to speak up with. Every day, somewhere in this world a women is getting beat, a women is dying from child birth, a women is raped and abused, a women is discriminated against and a women is looked as the weaker of the species. There are still many career tracks that are restricted to us or are still a men only job,

We have many more liberties than we had ever dreamt of, but we have many more miles to walk before we can claim a victory. We can not give up now. We can not remain silent just because they are miles apart. What we have, they should also have and we shouldn't stop the fight until that happens. If you ask these young high school students what women's suffrage was, more than half wouldn't know what it was. That is a massive back step in our progress. We need to not only talk to our daughters about safe sex and safety but we also need to tell them our history and how much more we have to fight for. When we are too old to protest, to work and fight, we will need the next generation to come in and keep fighting or make sure we never loose our progress. It has to be something we make important in our lives because its important to give the future women the best possible chance we can. We have to evolve so that all the women that came before us and suffered, did not fight in vain. Research things in your area that you can participate in. Research history and discover it as a family. What ever you can do to help keep moving in the right direction will make a difference. If every women in the world even put in a tiny bit of effort for change, it would be done already. We need to do this together, as a unit that will not concede on the justice for women in every country.

Blog: Marriage in todays world.

I find this world very confusing. But my biggest confusion is Marriage. Im not even sure why people do it anymore. Im sure there are a few out there that follow it to the letter and it works out for them. But, I just don't see how it is possible for a marriage to make it in this day and age. For one, there is no consequences anymore for breaking your word or a vow you had made, and that goes for other things besides marriage. Loyality in this world is a very rare thing. And to be perfectly honest I don't think human beings are made to have one mate forever. Again, there is always an exception to the rule. There are those sweet couples out there that never have been with anyone else and they been together most of their lives. Its again, a rare thing in this world. I think all marriage is these days, is just a big show or an excuse to have an epic party. I guess that is sort of jaded but all I have to go on is what I have seen in my life. I have a huge family. I cant think of a single one other than my grandparents and their generation that stayed married and are happy together. And sometimes the older people that still are together fight like cats and dogs, and not at all like the happy little image we have of them. Because the truth is, people change as the age. Your wants and needs change, its very rare that a mate will change with you or that you will be able to make things work even though you are no longer the people you were when you got married. Most of the time they just stay together and live in misery for the kids sake or they divorce and remarry within five years of each other. On to the next because oooh well, I got a divorce. Its not even a shocking thing to hear anymore. Im more shocked to find out my friends have are still married at the end of the second year. I guess you could call me kind of closed minded. But hey, the facts are in the numbers and divorce is on the rise. Im not sure I will ever take the plunge. Im not sure anyone else out there will feel about marriage as I do. I have a very old soul. I believe that is one oath you make and keep till death. Reguardlesss of what transpires in your life, you stay together. Not in misery either. Im not saying that there wont be arguemnts and fighting and bad times. But nothing would ever shake me up enough to turn my back on a vow like that. My heritage has certain things that they do, that I would do in my own ceremony. Back in the old days when they had to marry in secrete so the british soliders didn't come and take the bride away. Watch braveheart, lol. Some of it is in there. I have to hand make my own scarf for my if ever future husband. I will custom make our rings out of the same elements they had during that time period. I don't need diamonds. I need legacy and history. The fact that my people once took the risk to pledge their love to another, knowing they could be raped or killed for doing it in secrete. Its just so moving and fills me with pride. Most of them were married up in the hills at night. So I have to be married at night. It is only fitting. Most of them couldn't wear anything fancy or they would give it away so I have to figure that one out lol. I at least hope the groom chooses the kilt, on his own. Id never tell anyone what to wear but Id secretly hope for it. It has to be like they did it. Its important. So many women were hurt for just being in love. They struggled, my people. I really want to honor that sacrifice made. To say, even now that kind of stand is remembered and still taken. I want that desperate I will love you forever and risk my life for it love. And I wont marry unless I find that mind that wants the same. I would only marry someone in my heritage. At least a little bit. I guess that is raciest but I just want to protect my bloodline and heritage. It has nothing to do with color at all. I want as full blood children as I can get, lol. I don't know. Marriage is just way too much time and money and effort. Blahhh. That's my thoughts about that. Lol.

Grief

If I could stand in front of you just for a moment, just one last time.
I think I would never again leave that frame of mind,
To have you here, to hold you close
Id give all my treasures, Id give up life, Id love you the most.

If I could hold you against my beating heart.
If we never ever again had to part.
Id be free to feel happy, to live again.
Please wont you help me? Wont you help me friend?
Tell me how I should walk now, alone and around this distant bend?
Tell me how I stop this hurt within.
Help me friend, help me get free from this dark prison.

Tell me words to make it better, sing me to sleep.
Taking me to the dreams where we meet.
Tell me this isent true, please tell me it is not true.
Please don't let me loose you. Please don't leave me to.

I can not bare a world like this.
I feel as if my life as drown in mist.
I can not take a breath without an ache.
It is me and my heart that repeatedly break.
I want nothing more, then to take this back.
To go down a different path.
Where you are home when I walk in, where there is no aftermath

You died, you left me. You went away. Im alone now.
How, How, How, How How!!!!
How is this possible. How can I do this? How do I go on without you?
Will Life ever be worth living? Will I always wear blue?
What am I without you? Who am I now that I have nothing left?
I blame you, I hate you, you wicked cruel death.